Joke thread! I need some new material!

[Mr.Fitzwell]

During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval.
I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah.
Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.”
My friend was the only one who laughed.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

I work with animals,” the guy says to his date.
“That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Are you a vet?”
“No, I’m a butcher,” he says.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Exactly where you left it.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Chinese guy walks up to a bar and says to black bartender, "Gimme a jigger, nigger."

"Say what?", replies the bartender.

"Gimme a jigger! Nigger!"

"Who the hell do you think you are coming in here talking to me like that? How would you like it if I did that to you?", asks the bartender.

"OK", says the Chinese guy, "Let's trade places."

Chinese guy goes behind the bar and the black guy approaches him.

"Gimme a drink, Chink!"

"Sorry, we don't serve niggers here."

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Don't be racist; racism is a crime; and crime is for black people.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Q: what happens when an Asian with an erection runs into a wall?

A: he breaks his nose.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

A man siting at a bar asked a pretty woman sitting next to him, Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?" "Get away from me, you pervert," she replied. "Oh, I'm sorry," exclaims the man, "It must be your feet."

 

[khael-hawk]

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[AmericanViking]

What would you get if your donkey ate my rooster’s feet?

 

[Goldhedge]

What would you get if your donkey ate my rooster’s feet?

You'd have two feet of my cock in your ass?

 

[AmericanViking]

You'd have two feet of my cock in your ass?

Yes!! Can’t believe I forgot to put the answer.

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[Goldhedge]

Try some of these moves...?

 

[TopHook]

What can you say before a fight and having sex?

 

[Timothy]

This one is pretty funny.

Wait for it…

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[imprimis]

I work with animals,” the guy says to his date.
“That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Are you a vet?”
“No, I’m a butcher,” he says.

A couple of years ago, I met a client to retrieve one of my raccoon traps which had been placed at one of his rental houses. All he did was take it out of his truck and give it to me and I was walking to my truck with it. No animals in it.

A busy body woman walked up and went ballistic about trapping animals in her neighborhood. Both of us said we weren't doing that. Didn't slow her down. She wanted to know what I did with trapped animals. Before I could answer she again went ballistic. Finally, I told her I had just trapped 5 raccoons at a house in the last week (I had) and took them all to have coonskin caps made. She stormed off.

 

[Goldhedge]

A couple of years ago, I met a client to retrieve one of my raccoon traps which had been placed at one of his rental houses. All he did was take it out of his truck and give it to me and I was walking to my truck with it. No animals in in.

A busy body woman walked up and went ballistic about trapping animals in her neighborhood. Both of us said we weren't doing that. Didn't slow her down. She wanted to know what I did with trapped animals. Before I could answer she again went ballistic. Finally, I told her I had just trapped 5 raccoons at a house in the last week (I had) and took them all to have coonskin caps made. She stormed off.

Should have offered to sell her one...!

 

[imprimis]

Should have offered to sell her one...!

Should have told her about the rabies quarantine in Texas and that I would release one to "get you and your little dog too". Lots of rules on what you can do with them if trapped as well as who can dispose of them.

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[LVRebel]

A penguin was driving across the country when he started to have car trouble. He pulled off the highway as soon as he saw a sign for a mechanic. While he waited for his car to get repaired, he strolled through the town, finding an ice cream shop. Penguins don't have hands, so it was hard to eat, and he got ice cream all over his mouth. When he went to check on his car, the mechanic walked up and said, "well, it looks like you blew a seal," and the penguin responded, "no, this is just ice cream."

 

[Goldhedge]

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

[weaponoffreedom]

I would have probably shot the MF

 

[LafesterMacintosh]

I would have probably shot the MF

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[Goldhedge]

You'll get a charge out of this one...