Joke thread! I need some new material!

[weaponoffreedom]

Yah Ok! Man you don't have a clue. The shit I share on here is mild compared to what I actually deal with. You do know you can block me right?

Nah dude that was definitely a personal attack! Call it a joke if it makes you feel better. I got nothing to prove so if you think I'm an attention whore then so be it. I am here for laughs, civil discussion, & a lil advice from time to time. Dealing with a psychopath online is easy! I deal with 1 everyday in reality.

No please share.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[IAmDamagedGoods]

A farmer boy woke up & went to get breakfast. His mom told him that he would get breakfast after his chores were done. He stomps & heads out to clean the chicken coop. While going about it, a chicken pecks him & he kicks it. He goes to the pig sty & a pig knocks into him, he knocks it back. He went to milk their cow & the cow kicked the bucket & spilled the milk. He kicked the cow. Mom saw everything & told him no eggs because he kicked the chicken, No bacon because he kicked the pig, & no milk because he kicked the cow. While in the house he saw his dad come down stairs & when the cat almost tripped him, dad kicked the cat. The boy looked at his mom & says "are you telling him or should I?"​

 

[LVRebel]

A termite walks into a bar. He asks "where's the bar tender?"

 

[LVRebel]

I started a band called 999 MegaBytes…

We haven’t gotten a gig yet

 

[LVRebel]

What did the fish say when it hit the wall.

Dam.

 

[LVRebel]

Why isn’t a koala considered a bear?

Because they don’t meet all of the koala-fications

 

[LVRebel]

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were warm it would be justwater.

 

[LVRebel]

I keep all my dad jokes in a dad-a-base.

 

[LVRebel]

Last night I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick…

She still hasn’t talked to me.

 

[LVRebel]

Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of joke, but they’re a solid number two

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

"You're special" hits different when it comes from your girlfriend....

...than it does coming from your doctor

 

[orng_blud]

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They're both Paris sites

 

[Rebarcock.]

Been singing this 1 for 26yrs.
To the tune of "Row row row your boat"

Fuck, fuck ,fuck a duck
Screw a kangaroo
Fingerbang an orangutan
An orgy at the zoo.

You're good

 

[IAmDamagedGoods]

You're good

It's stuck in your head now ain't it!

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[shiv]

ok so i heard this one i think youll like it definitely should add it to your joke toolbox here it goes two old men are sitting at a chess table playing chess on the table they are sitting at and one of them is wearing a grey jacket and the other one a blue jacket and the one in the grey jacket makes a move in chess and then leans over and says guess what i got a new hearing aid and the one in the blue jacket makes a chess move and doesnt say anything back and the one in the grey jacket makes another chess move and says its a top of the line hearing aid very expensive and the one in the blue jacket makes a chess move and says oh really what kind is it and the one in the gray jacket makes a chess move and looks at his watch and says its about two thirty why do you ask thats the whole joke i hope you like it and add it to your toolbox enjoy i hope you got a good laugh

Added to the toolbox

 

[hmt5000]

Why was Tigger in the bathroom?

He was looking for Pooh!

 

[GreenNewMe]

Added to the toolbox

good im glad thanks i hope you enjoy using it

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[shiv]

good im glad thanks i hope you enjoy using it

If you've got any more, I can definitely make space for them

 

[GreenNewMe]

If you've got any more, I can definitely make space for them

sure thing man here is one you might like but you have to understand it only works as a spoken joke so dont try to text it to anybody or anything okay here it goes what do you call a fish with no eyes and when they say what you say a fsh becuase there is not an i in the word because eye and i sounds the same spoken thats why it only works as a spoken joke but not written

also another one that you might like is this one you ask can february march and then you say no but april may thats another one thats kind of silly but pretty good and i think youll like it you should use it too

 

[Dawg97]

How do we know that the toothbrush was invented in Tennessee?

Because it would be called a teethbrush if it was invented anywhere else.

 

[Dawg97]

What do a tornado and a divorce in Alabama have in common?

No matter what happens, somebody is losing a trailer.

 

[TopHook]

Fun Fact:
Did you know that in Koi ponds there is always a fake one?
They label them A koi, B koi, C koi. and the fake one is the D koi.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[shiv]

What do you call a rare Egyptian fart??


Toot uncommon

 

[shiv]

Why was the guitarist fired?

For fingering a minor...

This one is world class

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

This one is world class

I brought plenty itt, homey...but yore right, that one is good

 

[Goldhedge]

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds, though, and only once.