Joke thread! I need some new material!

[OPD77]

What do the Mafia and pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit...

@Analeengus

 

[OPD77]

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

The Vatican

 

[IAmDamagedGoods]

Y'all didn't disappoint, disgust maybe, but not disappointed!

 

[AmericanViking]

What do you call a 500 lb frump with a yeast infection?

A double quarter pounder with cheese.

 

[byrons]

I'm a Norwegian so I can tell this. Ole, Sven and Stanley met for a couple beers every day for years at the local bar. One day Stanley didn't show up. After a week or so the bartender asked where Stanley was. Both Ole and Sven said they had no clue. The bartender said you better call the cops and tell them he's missing. Ole and Sven did one better and went down to the Police Dept. The officer asked them how long it had been since they saw him and, finding out it had been over two weeks he got a little concerned. He asked them if they could describe Stanley. Well, Ole said, he was about 5-10 or so, right Sven.? Sven agreed. Then Ole said Stanley had light brown hair, right Sven? The officer said 'well that could describe 1000 men in this city, haven't you got something a bit more unusual? Ole looked at Sven and said' Sven, should I tell them'? Sven said'yes Ole, if it helps find our friend Stanley, go ahead'. So Ole said 'our friend Stanley had two assholes'. The officer couldn't believe what he heard. He asked 'how do you know that'? Ole said' Well every day when we came into the bar the bartender would say' here come Stanley with those 2 assholes'.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[weaponoffreedom]

Whores are the scab of society

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Most common saying amongst Southern truckers...

"That u-turn was tighter than my cousin!"

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[IAmDamagedGoods]

Whores are the scab of society

Men give whores power. Without men whores couldn't be whores! JS

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Men give whores power. Without men whores couldn't be whores! JS

I do like hoors, tho...

 

[PeytonMooning]

 

[PeytonMooning]

 

[PeytonMooning]

 

[PeytonMooning]

 

[weaponoffreedom]

Men give whores power. Without men whores couldn't be whores! JS

you didnt get the joke?

 

[orng_blud]

I joined an amateur autopsy club, and I'm pretty excited...

Spoiler: Spoiler

Thursday is open Mike night

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

What is the first thing an Alabama girl says after losing her virginity?


Get off me dad, you're crushing my cigarettes...

 

[IAmDamagedGoods]

I do like hoors, tho...

& You sir are part of the problem LMAO

you didnt get the joke?

I get the joke! Scabs Haha

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[weaponoffreedom]

& You sir are part of the problem LMAO

I get the joke! Scabs Haha

the joke is on you!

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[yankmenoodle]

Why don't you run over a mexican on a bicycle? Might be your bike.

Driving through my neighborhood I saw a mexican on a bike, and thought "Is that mine?"
Then I remembered mine was home mowing my grass.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Why don't you run over a mexican on a bicycle? Might be your bike.

Driving through my neighborhood I saw a mexican on a bike, and thought "Is that mine?"
Then I remembered mine was home mowing my grass.

2 Mexicans on a bike?

Organized crime!

 

[IAmDamagedGoods]

the joke is on you!

 

[IAmDamagedGoods]

I forgot about this 1!


Little red riding hood wanted to go visit grandma

MOM: "there's a big bad wolf out there & if he catches you he will f*ck you to death!"

LIL RED: "But mom, I miss grandma. I made her these muffins. & we all know that the big bad wolf isn't really going to f*ck me"

MOM: "Ok Lil Red but I'm telling you to be very careful & watch your surroundings"

"LaTeeDa" on her way to grandma's house then low & behold the Big Bad Wolf is hiding around the next corner

BIG BAD WOLF: "Didnt your mom warn you about me? I'm the Big Bad Wolf & I am gonna f*ck you to death!"

LIL RED: *lays down lifts her skirt* & says "Hell no mother f*ck*r your gonna eat me just like the story says"

 

[orng_blud]

Is aetheism a non-prophet organization?

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[weaponoffreedom]

An attention seeking fake ass whore finds an online forum where she can be anything she wants to be.......she can change her name, change her avatar to just show half her chest..............and so on. She post provocative stuff for all to see, knowing that 1000% looking at it are males, so she can get some attention..........and then when some one questions it, she can say well, "you read it"............and then she falls on her ass while eating ice cream...................HAHAHAHA

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

So, a white guy at each

 

[AmericanViking]

View attachment 140498

Mayor Lightfoot?

 

[IAmDamagedGoods]

An attention seeking fake ass whore finds an online forum where she can be anything she wants to be.......she can change her name, change her avatar to just show half her chest..............and so on. She post provocative stuff for all to see, knowing that 1000% looking at it are males, so she can get some attention..........and then when some one questions it, she can say well, "you read it"............and then she falls on her ass while eating ice cream...................HAHAHAHA

Dude??? WTF is your problem? Have I stepped on your toes or something? This is the FREE SPEECH FORUM right??? You can't see my chest in that lil avatar pic!

 

[weaponoffreedom]

Dude??? WTF is your problem? Have I stepped on your toes or something? This is the FREE SPEECH FORUM right??? You can't see my chest in that lil avatar pic!

Free speech, yes, and you have to pay for every bit of it sometimes. Being a sociopath is hard online.....

but understand, that was just a joke and not based in reality

 

[IAmDamagedGoods]

Nah dude that was definitely a personal attack! Call it a joke if it makes you feel better. I got nothing to prove so if you think I'm an attention whore then so be it. I am here for laughs, civil discussion, & a lil advice from time to time. Dealing with a psychopath online is easy! I deal with 1 everyday in reality.

Free speech, yes, and you have to pay for every bit of it sometimes. Being a sociopath is hard online.....

but understand, that was just a joke and not based in reality

 

[GreenNewMe]

ok so i heard this one i think youll like it definitely should add it to your joke toolbox here it goes two old men are sitting at a chess table playing chess on the table they are sitting at and one of them is wearing a grey jacket and the other one a blue jacket and the one in the grey jacket makes a move in chess and then leans over and says guess what i got a new hearing aid and the one in the blue jacket makes a chess move and doesnt say anything back and the one in the grey jacket makes another chess move and says its a top of the line hearing aid very expensive and the one in the blue jacket makes a chess move and says oh really what kind is it and the one in the gray jacket makes a chess move and looks at his watch and says its about two thirty why do you ask thats the whole joke i hope you like it and add it to your toolbox enjoy i hope you got a good laugh

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

ok so i heard this one i think youll like it definitely should add it to your joke toolbox here it goes two old men are sitting at a chess table playing chess on the table they are sitting at and one of them is wearing a grey jacket and the other one a blue jacket and the one in the grey jacket makes a move in chess and then leans over and says guess what i got a new hearing aid and the one in the blue jacket makes a chess move and doesnt say anything back and the one in the grey jacket makes another chess move and says its a top of the line hearing aid very expensive and the one in the blue jacket makes a chess move and says oh really what kind is it and the one in the gray jacket makes a chess move and looks at his watch and says its about two thirty why do you ask thats the whole joke i hope you like it and add it to your toolbox enjoy i hope you got a good laugh

punctuation can be friendly too, so many words

 

[GreenNewMe]

punctuation can be friendly to so many words

oh yeah i really should have used some there youre right haha

 

[weaponoffreedom]

Nah dude that was definitely a personal attack! Call it a joke if it makes you feel better. I got nothing to prove so if you think I'm an attention whore then so be it. I am here for laughs, civil discussion, & a lil advice from time to time. Dealing with a psychopath online is easy! I deal with 1 everyday in reality.

No you don't, you are looking for one to tell everyone about.

 

[IAmDamagedGoods]

Yah Ok! Man you don't have a clue. The shit I share on here is mild compared to what I actually deal with. You do know you can block me right?

No you don't, you are looking for one to tell everyone about.