Joke thread! I need some new material!

[IAmDamagedGoods]

Been singing this 1 for 26yrs.
To the tune of "Row row row your boat"

Fuck, fuck ,fuck a duck
Screw a kangaroo
Fingerbang an orangutan
An orgy at the zoo.

 

[TopHook]

Kid comes up to his dad, and says dad, did you know boys have 3 knees?
Dad say no we don't.
Kids says, yeah! Right knee, left knee, and weenie.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Why was the guitarist fired?

For fingering a minor...

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

What do the Mafia and pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit...

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

What do you call the worthless piece of skin around a vagina?

A woman...

 

[IAmDamagedGoods]

Dad & son walking in the park see 2 dogs getting it on.
Son says "dad what are they doing?"
Dad says "they are making puppies."
Later that night after son is in bed mom & dad are making love
The son gets up to go to the bathroom & sees them
Son says "Dad what are you doing?"
Dad says "making a baby."
Kid goes on to the bathroom & as he walks back by
Son says "Roll her over Dad I want puppies!"

 

[LVRebel]

Two friends decided to go to the eye doctor together to get lasik. After the procedure, another friend asked how it went. The guys said, "we'll see".

 

[IAmDamagedGoods]

What's the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There's 20 of them...

That's awful!

 

[NoThanks]

Why was the guitarist fired?

For fingering a minor...

He will bounce back and get a job with the Presidents administration.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

What sex position makes the ugliest kids?


Ask your mom...

 

[IAmDamagedGoods]

There's a boy & girl who always play together but every time the boy gets a toy the next day the girl has the same thing.
The boy tells his dad & the dad has the remedy.
The next day the boy pulls out his penis & says " my dad said I have 1 of these & you can't have 1"
Upset the girl goes home & tells her mom.
The next day the girl goes up to the boy pulls up her skirt & says
"My mom says I have 1 of these so I can have as many of those as I want."

 

[LVRebel]

There's a boy & girl who always play together but every time the boy gets a toy the next day the gi l has the same thing.
The boy tells his dad & the dad has the remedy.
The next day the boy pulls out his penis & says " my dad said I have 1 of these & you can't have 1"
Upset the girl go s home & tells her mom.
The next day the girl goes up to the boy pulls up her skirt & says
"My mom says I got I have 1of these so I can have as many of those as I want."

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

What's the first thing Adam said to Eve?

"Step back baby, I don't know how big this thing's gonna get!"

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[AmericanViking]

What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt finished races.
—————-
How come you never see gay people in wheelchairs?

Because you can’t be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
—————

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hang on to your nuts because this ain’t your regular fucking blow job
————

My mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.
—————

Do you know why the term “every 60 seconds” is dumb in Africa?

Everyone knows Africans don’t get seconds.
—————
I was blessed with a 9’ dick.

That priest is in jail now
—————-

Why do girls not enjoy having sex with small people?

Because of their short comings.
————-

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt finished races.
—————-
How come you never see gay people in wheelchairs?

Because you can’t be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
—————

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hang on to your nuts because this ain’t your regular fucking blow job
————

My mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.
—————

Do you know why the term “every 60 seconds” is dumb in Africa?

Everyone knows Africans don’t get seconds.
—————
I was blessed with a 9’ dick.

That priest is in jail now
—————-

Why do girls not enjoy having sex with small people?

Because of their short comings.
————-

To take a page out of YOUR book...



Breath...

 

[Jtrain80]

 

[Jtrain80]

 

[LVRebel]

What kind of Dr. was Dr. Pepper?

Spoiler

Fizzician

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, everyone loves you, but if you donate 5 kidneys, they call the police...?

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice...

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing...except at a funeral

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

My senior relatives used to tease me at weddings by saying "you're next"...it stopped when I started telling them the same thing at funerals...

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

son: "Dad, did you get the results from the DNA test yet?"

dad: "Call me Steve"

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

 

[Nayat]

How come there are only two pallbearers at a Mexican Funeral?




There are only two handles on a trash can.

 

[TheNJNole]

Kid comes up to his dad, and says dad, did you know boys have 3 knees?
Dad say no we don't.
Kids says, yeah! Right knee, left knee, and weenie.

Sicilian's were conquered by the Moore's, so it ain't a weenie.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[AmericanViking]

That's awful!

It’s Joe Biden’s favorite joke

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

It’s Joe Biden’s favorite joke

Lol I deleted that one...seemed to get to some...I'll post it again if requested

 

[AmericanViking]

I’ve been telling it as JB’s favorite joke. It gets laughs.

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

I’ve been telling it as JB’s favorite joke. It gets laughs.

Ok...per request...

What's Joe Biden's favorite thing about sex with twenty-eight-year-olds?

There's 20 of them...

 

[Oler Ted]

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?

Spoiler

depends on how hard you throw them

 

[Oler Ted]

Apologies in advance for offending anyone :

What’s the difference between a pizza and a Jew?

Spoiler

pizzas don’t scream when you put them in the oven

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Apologies in advance for offending anyone :

What’s the difference between a pizza and a Jew?

Spoiler

pizzas don’t scream when you put them in the oven

How many Jews can a Volkswagen hold?

2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 6 million in the ash tray...

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]

Obligatory...

 

[Mr.Fitzwell]