Shit Post

[Quatch$]

The conversation in the “I encourage you all” thread has lead me to think that we need thread dedicated to funny shit, shart, and fart stories / memes, etc.

Because I assume like me, most of you read this forum on the toilet a lot, and are most likely a majority of red blooded, BIOLOGICAL males, then you have experienced or know of friends who have bowel betrayal and / or still laugh like a school girl at a good fart.

 

[quickfeet]

You're not a real man until you have a poop your pants story

 

[Alpha_Cock]

About 50% of my poops require a bit of time to get up because my legs have fallen asleep. It would be zero if I didn't have my phone.

 

[Quatch$]

You're not a real man until you have a poop your pants story

 

[quickfeet]

View attachment 8271

It was around 2006. Halo 3 was at peak popularity. I was attending about 15% of my classes at Bammer. I was hanging out with a few of my friends smokin and drinking during the middle of a week day - Spartan lasering kids in the face and I usually carried the team. This story climaxes like most of these kind. I trusted a fart and lost in the middle of a match. Set my controller on the table and told the guys I had to go do some homework and left. I didn't stop to answer in questions - "where in the hell you going? we are about to win this thing." They were super confused because I never, ever did any homework. I went home and freshened up and showed back up like an hour later. I owned up and me and my friends still LOL about that day

 

[Quatch$]

This is for @ChicagoFats. But to finish up the urinal story... I spray shitted in the urinal and then ran out and sat gingerly at a table outside the bathroom. When the dude left, I ran back in and cleaned up and tossed my underwear. As I’m washing my hands and old man walks in and looks at the still plastered urinal shaking his head and says “Jesus, some people are fucking disgusting.” I nodded in agreement and then went out and ordered a McGriddle to soak up the massive hangover.

 

[Nas]

Where do I start

A few years ago I was out at a wing joint. When we leave the parking lot my gut drops and I get really hot. Know I have an emergency on my hands in the next two minutes. Pull into McDonald's and penguin waddle into the place, holding my 3 year olds hand. It starts. Liquid magma starts running out the bottom of my shorts. I take baby steps past all the people eating leaving an obvious trail behind me.

Get into the bathroom and there is one stall, which is occupied. I crossed my legs standing up trying so hard to hold it in. Check the ladies room and some kids went running in there. Think about just using the sink or urinal but dobt want arrested. Start banging on the stall door. Puddle under my feet is getting very large now.
Employee comes out of the shitter looking at his phone until he sees me and his eyes trail down to the disaster. I tell him shit happens and waddle by and get my mud covered shorts off. It looked like someone smeared mud all over every inch on my shorts and undies. Let a solid 45 second piss out of my butt.

Flush and try to figure out what I'm gonna do now as I have to still leave. Get into the cleaning closet they have in the bathroom and use a new cloth floor duster and floss my ass with it. Soak a bunch of towels in water and try to get my legs clean. Throw underwear away.

End up walking out with obvious shit mud covered shorts on. Still have a gun in my pocket. My three year old is saying daddy is a bad boy, he pooped his pants. Walk out with the people in the dining room laughibg and pearl clutching.

Kid gets home and tells my wife I ruined my good shorts

 

[Quatch$]

Where do I start

A few years ago I was out at a wing joint. When we leave the parking lot my gut drops and I get really hot. Know I have an emergency on my hands in the next two minutes. Pull into McDonald's and penguin waddle into the place, holding my 3 year olds hand. It starts. Liquid magma starts running out the bottom of my shorts. I take baby steps past all the people eating leaving an obvious trail behind me.

Get into the bathroom and there is one stall, which is occupied. I crossed my legs standing up trying so hard to hold it in. Check the ladies room and some kids went running in there. Think about just using the sink or urinal but dobt want arrested. Start banging on the stall door. Puddle under my feet is getting very large now.
Employee comes out of the shitter looking at his phone until he sees me and his eyes trail down to the disaster. I tell him shit happens and waddle by and get my mud covered shorts off. It looked like someone smeared mud all over every inch on my shorts and undies. Let a solid 45 second piss out of my butt.

Flush and try to figure out what I'm gonna do now as I have to still leave. Get into the cleaning closet they have in the bathroom and use a new cloth floor duster and floss my ass with it. Soak a bunch of towels in water and try to get my legs clean. Throw underwear away.

End up walking out with obvious shit mud covered shorts on. Still have a gun in my pocket. My three year old is saying daddy is a bad boy, he pooped his pants. Walk out with the people in the dining room laughibg and pearl clutching.

Kid gets home and tells my wife I ruined my good shorts

I have a mental Rolodex of every public shitter within a 10 mile radius of my work and home. Even with all that knowledge I find myself often sweating bullets to make it to one of them.

 

[Nas]

I have a mental Rolodex of every public shitter within a 10 mile radius of my work and home. Even with all that knowledge I find myself often sweating bullets to make it to one of them.

Interesting. Have you always been that way? Ive had two code red moments I can think of but other than that I pride myself on being regular. Same time every day.

Which leads me to more questions. I hate shitting anywhere but home. Part of that is I'm on that bidet life. I wonder if my super poop algorithm brain is exerting its power over my anus. The heart wants what the heart wants. Love blasting the barnacles off the haul with that thing.

 

[Nas]

Since I teased with the second code red moment.

Jan, 2015 - got a bad case of the chipotle food poisoning while at work. Held off to the end of shift and rushed home. Construction on the freeway leading to my exit left no shoulder area to pull off. I start puking in a plastic bag while driving. It gets filled up. Start puking all over the passenger seat. Then I feel my other end wanting to get in on the action.

My exit has a gas station. Has the stand alone bathroom building on the back of the lot. Take my work shirt off. Gallup up and you need to get a key from the cashier. Fuck that. I'm christening this building. Do a wall sit on the side of the building and start drilling the ground with a solid 60 second solid water shot. Impressed I had that much liquid in me.

Immediate satisfaction. Duck walk back to the car and get some more napkins for more clean up. People are at the gas pumps laughing and clapping for me.

 

[TheNJNole]

The conversation in the “I encourage you all” thread has lead me to think that we need thread dedicated to funny shit, shart, and fart stories / memes, etc.

Because I assume like me, most of you read this forum on the toilet a lot, and are most likely a majority of red blooded, BIOLOGICAL males, then you have experienced or know of friends who have bowel betrayal and / or still laugh like a school girl at a good fart.

View attachment 8266View attachment 8267

Actually, I am dropping some fellas off at the lake as I type...

 

[Quatch$]

Interesting. Have you always been that way? Ive had two code red moments I can think of but other than that I pride myself on being regular. Same time every day.

Which leads me to more questions. I hate shitting anywhere but home. Part of that is I'm on that bidet life. I wonder if my super poop algorithm brain is exerting its power over my anus. The heart wants what the heart wants. Love blasting the barnacles off the haul with that thing.

I’ve been that way most of my life yes. I am an in and out kinda guy. My most recent snack or meal will promptly tell the previous one it’s time to go. The thing is, I know this and chance it anyways. Guess I’m just a gambler at heart. And if I have a good night out, you can guarantee 5-7 hearty shits the next day.

 

[Cletusnow]

Don’t believe that nurse after a colonoscopy about it’s just air and let it all out. Not sayin, just sayin!

 

[Nas]

I’ve been that way most of my life yes. I am an in and out kinda guy. My most recent snack or meal will promptly tell the previous one it’s time to go. The thing is, I know this and chance it anyways. Guess I’m just a gambler at heart. And if I have a good night out, you can guarantee 5-7 hearty shits the next day.

How does that work if you are out to eat or at a wedding or something? Just build that log cabin no fucks given? Think that would give me anxiety.

My brother exhibits that sort of behavior. He ended shitting in the ocean while snorkling in Mexico. He drops baby hammers though.

I drop them bombs. Like leave an for the next occupant to find. Throw some tp in the toilet and shit on top so the stench stays above water.

 

[Nas]

Back when you developed film if I had one I was really proud of I would sneak the family camera in there and take a thumbs up picture with it. My poor mom would get that developed and go crazy. She is a saint.

 

[Quatch$]

On one particularly bad occasion I had the beer shits the day after a wedding. We had to drive 2 hours to a golf tournament and I was hungover as fuck. My buddy is driving his van and I had him stop in side of interstate once to shit.

second time was real bad. Bubble guts churning. I tell him to pull over but we are in traffic at the toll booth... I find a bag from his new rain gear and proceed to squat over it and fill it to the brim with liquid shmagma. As he pulls out of the toll booth I lock eyes with the woman working as I fall backwards and go squish right in my pile.

he pulls over as soon as we get through the booth and I fire the bag out the door and wipe my ass with my golf towel and toss it out too. Got to course started mashing Bloody Mary’s and shot a 75

 

[Nas]

Do other people keep a mental record of their personal best shits, like best PB lifts or golf scores?

I can rattle off my top 5 and what I ate leading up to it. If it was a perfect poop or needed major cleanup.

 

[Cletusnow]

Anybody have a friend that always calls while they’re taking a dump?

 

[Nas]

Anybody have a friend that always calls while they’re taking a dump?

No. Not sure how I would feel about that. Obviously it would have to be a good friend. Seems like people dont call eachother much anymore so its weird he doesn't just text. Like he fires for effect and you can hear him putting in work over the phone?

 

[Quatch$]

 

[Quatch$]

Anybody have a friend that always calls while they’re taking a dump?

Not only do I have a friend who will call while shitting, he will fucking FaceTime me.