Boys and tgsio, I really fucked up and need help (advice)

[Crich73]

Seen a few posts in here talking about making sure you want her back. Go on a few dates, experience life without her. I did eventually get my girl back and we agreed when we got back that this is it. Well 4 months in and I find out she has completely reversed course on kids. We broke up the next week realizing we wanted very different things. If something was holding you back to committing before, chances are it’s still there.

There were a few things. She had a hard time accepting responsibility for her actions. If she did something it was due me having done something prior to have triggered her. This would happen on occasion but it was enough to notice.

Also, I found this weird, she had no issue going over, breaking down and piecing together what I've said about my finances. She however was extremely secretive about hers. She has a good job, and makes really good money (relatively) for someone her age. I would call her out on her hypocrisy and ask her why cant she be forthright. I suspect she's fearful that guys would concern themselves and enter into a relationship with that partly in mind. We make about the same, however that might change soon as I have opportunities for to make more from a side project.

One thing though, and I like it, she's frugal. Super practical car, nothing designer, has a nice house, but even that is rather modest. She doesn't like to spend.

 

[tiderollsonu]

Her new bf penis probably looks like a babies arm holding an apple......

 

[Ndtarheel7]

Talk is cheap. Show up on her doorstep with flowers and a ring or stfu.

 

[ETNVol]

There were a few things. She had a hard time accepting responsibility for her actions. If she did something it was due me having done something prior to have triggered her. This would happen on occasion but it was enough to notice.

Also, I found this weird, she had no issue going over, breaking down and piecing together what I've said about my finances. She however was extremely secretive about hers. She has a good job, and makes really good money (relatively) for someone her age. I would call her out on her hypocrisy and ask her why cant she be forthright. I suspect she's fearful that guys would concern themselves and enter into a relationship with that partly in mind. We make about the same, however that might change soon as I have opportunities for to make more from a side project.

One thing though, and I like it, she's frugal. Super practical car, nothing designer, has a nice house, but even that is rather modest. She doesn't like to spend.

You're going about it 100% wrong.

Act like you don't care. Don't text or email her. Be nice when she contacts you, act like you're having the time of your life, but drop the sad sack loser act and

You have the desperation loser smell on you because of your actions. The only thing she feels for you is pity, and if you've been acting like that for a while, that pity has turned to disgust.

Date other women. You might even call her up after the loser stench has washed off you and ask her if you can borrow the dogs. Taking a dog to a place where other women have dogs makes it so easy that Gilligan or Michael Scott could pick up women. Borrowing the dogs keeps a connection to her, and gives you the opportunity to put out the vibe you miss them more than her.

 

[JordanPetersHorn]

So, I was with my girlfriend for just over two years. At times it's was rocky, (my commitment phobia and her mood swings) and at times it's been very good, if not great. She's in her 30s and I'm in my 40s. Neither of us has been married and we are both doing well professionally, especially her. I'll spare you on the long details, but let's just say I fucked up royally and drove her away. She broke up with me in December, but I know she loves me, and I her.

I know, typical sob story. Guy doesnt appreciate girl, loses girl, tries to get her back.

I've spent much time since then reflecting on her and us. I've been fortunate (or unfortunate) to have been with some girls in the past and have been thru the shit that they pull off and get away with due to the fact their young and hot. This girl is (my opinion) attractive, so what I said prior isnt some slight. The thing that she isnt compared to the others is she is a genuinely good person. Perhaps most most decent girl I've ever dated ,which is high praise considering there's been a couple who are/where good women. Anyways, me fucking up made her do to me what I sort of did to her, keep her at a distance, but in her case push me away.

I hadn't seen her since mid December, although we would text a little bit, but more matter of fact stuff. I stopped by last week to drop off treats (birthday) for the dogs we adopted. She told me she started seeing someone. I talked about some of the reasons I pushed her away but told her I still love her and that I've been a fool. A classic fool. I was there for over three hours, leaving after midnight.

I've been texting her pretty much every day since, telling her I love her, and how I totally fucked up. How I want to commit to her and give her the things she wanted. Naturally she runs to her mom, family and friends and they are suggesting otherwise. She keeps replying to my texts telling me what I'm doing (timing of it is how I'm interpreting that) "isnt fair" and how I've hurt her many times over.

Look boys, (and tgsio if you're reading) I need to try to win her back. (so cliques) she's very girly and loves romantic gestures. (Typical) in the past I've driven half an hour to buy her favorite (expensive, 4 bucks a piece) donuts. I, on occasion would randomly bring flowers, the usual. I need balls to the wall, super romantic, Idk if I look like a dumbass, boombox over my head type of suggestions.

Any ideas or advice will help.

P.s. the fact she started seeing someone has no bearing on anything. It's obviously an impediment, but prior to finding out I was coming to the realization that I want her, that I will never get anyone better.

Rules followed View attachment 9396View attachment 9397View attachment 9398

She has too much power over your confidence rn and you’re being lazy and not getting out there to find something better. Throw her stuff out and ignore her calls

WOMEN ARENT SPECIAL

 

[yankmenoodle]

Leave her alone.

 

[RaleighTiger]

Good advice in here, but don't do anything until you hear from the expert on all things women.

Paging @SADUCFKNIGHT

 

[Quatch$]

How does this thread get so many posts? I feel like I’m back on tMB with the amount of beta cuck bullshit

 

[AgEngDawg]

Exactly.

 

[AgEngDawg]

Thanks fellas.

I did put some qualifiers as she can get moody.

I need to say though, our relationship ending really is my fault. I know she wanted to get married to me, and I danced around the issue while pushing her away. Like I said, I'm in my 40s, so I ain't young. She's in her 30s and is ready for a very serious relationship if not marriage.

I really need to emphasize that this is my fault. She's the kind of woman that you'd want to marry.

What's her number?

 

[pleaseclap]

There were a few things. She had a hard time accepting responsibility for her actions. If she did something it was due me having done something prior to have triggered her. This would happen on occasion but it was enough to notice.

Also, I found this weird, she had no issue going over, breaking down and piecing together what I've said about my finances. She however was extremely secretive about hers. She has a good job, and makes really good money (relatively) for someone her age. I would call her out on her hypocrisy and ask her why cant she be forthright. I suspect she's fearful that guys would concern themselves and enter into a relationship with that partly in mind. We make about the same, however that might change soon as I have opportunities for to make more from a side project.

One thing though, and I like it, she's frugal. Super practical car, nothing designer, has a nice house, but even that is rather modest. She doesn't like to spend.

Congrats. You've just described literally every female on the planet.

 

[tgsio]

Send her one more text and then be done with it until she responds. Make it something like this:

I'm sorry things cut off like they did and I understand I am at fault. I hope that we can reconcile but I also don't want to crowd or force you into a decision you may not be ready to make. I won't text you again unless it is to respond to you but I will be thinking about you and hope that we can talk again soon.

Then quit fucking texting her until she is ready to talk, which might not ever happen. While you are waiting, go meet some other women- then you can confirm that you really do want to wife this chick.

This^^^^^^

 

[tgsio]

There were a few things. She had a hard time accepting responsibility for her actions. If she did something it was due me having done something prior to have triggered her. This would happen on occasion but it was enough to notice.

Also, I found this weird, she had no issue going over, breaking down and piecing together what I've said about my finances. She however was extremely secretive about hers. She has a good job, and makes really good money (relatively) for someone her age. I would call her out on her hypocrisy and ask her why cant she be forthright. I suspect she's fearful that guys would concern themselves and enter into a relationship with that partly in mind. We make about the same, however that might change soon as I have opportunities for to make more from a side project.

One thing though, and I like it, she's frugal. Super practical car, nothing designer, has a nice house, but even that is rather modest. She doesn't like to spend.

Well, that's just a fact of life.

 

[CBradSmith]

"Romantic gestures" just aren't going to get the job done. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with you, and clearly made herself incredibly vulnerable by telling you that. You treated that with contempt and she walked.

Donuts and flowers won't win that back. She sounds conflicted. In her heart, she probably still feels for you, hence letting you sit and try and win her back for three hours. However, she has engaged her rational brain and asked all the people in her life who love her the most to weigh in and give her a perspective that isn't weighed down with the emotional burden she feels for you.

They're all telling her to walk and not look back.

Whatever you did in your relationship, it was bad enough to turn all of them against you, even though she's the one who left.

Like I said, donuts and flowers or boombox over the head won't get you anywhere. Those things win you first dates, not a lifetime of sacrificial love and commitment, especially when you've thrown that aside once already.

Did she move on "too fast?" The only time she owes you is the time you were mutually committed to one another. The very next day after you broke up, if she chose to date somebody else, that's her prerogative, and something you can't judge at all. The fact that she found somebody immediately means that she was already ready to do so before you broke up. You've spent this time since getting over her, but she was already working on getting over you.

You're an old guy to be playing games with a woman. If you were in your 20s, her friends and family might be impressed by your sudden change of heart and take it as a sign of maturity. As it is, you're on the way to 50, and they're all thinking about that saying about old dogs and new tricks.

You may be out of luck on this one. If you want a shot, you need to stop trying to "win" her like some 18 year old. She's beyond that. You need to sit down, be brutally honest with yourself about your flaws, and figure out if you actually have the guts to change any of them. If you do, ask to get together one more time to talk through some things. Tell her that you'd like to have one conversation with her about the future. You'd like to share some of the real changes you've made in your own heart and how you will live the rest of your life in a different way than the man who drove away an attractive, wholesome, successful woman 10 years younger than you. Tell her that you'd like to have that talk if she will, and that afterwards, you'll leave her alone with her thoughts. If she'd like to give things a second chance after that, great. If not, you'll never bring it up again and will wish her only the best.

I think that's your only shot here, but if you are still the same guy who treated her like crap and you haven't truly learned your lesson and made changes, don't even waste her time. Let her be happy with this new guy while you go on a few dates with somebody else.

Best of luck to you.

This is called "Putting the ball fully in her court."

It's smart and covers every base. If genuine, it conveys 100% sincerity and 100% confidence. Both work in your favor.
(In the event she legit doesn't want to see you anymore, it also lays the foundation for her to ask "what if" if things don't work out with new dude 6 months from now.)

You have to be prepared to put the ball there (her court), but don't bring any weak shit. You need to be thinking on a different plane.

You also have to be prepared, if she decides you are worth one more chance, to follow through...walking as a man for maybe the first time in your life. Purposefully. With vision for the both of you.

She's through wasting time. I like her already.

 

[CBradSmith]

For the folks saying send her one last text and be done with it, there needs to be an addendum or asterisk.

If the lady is as legit as you say, then she'll recognize an ultimatum or game.

The bad thing about "one last text, then walk away" advice is that it's frequently an attempt to manipulate.

"One last face to face conversation covering a number of things that are concerning you (her)" is the avenue for dialogue that treats her with the respect you claim have for her and want to demonstrate.

 

[spf84]

For the folks saying send her one last text and be done with it, there needs to be an addendum or asterisk.

If the lady is as legit as you say, then she'll recognize an ultimatum or game.

The bad thing about "one last text, then walk away" advice is that it's frequently an attempt to manipulate.

"One last face to face conversation covering a number of things that are concerning you (her)" is the avenue for dialogue that treats her with the respect you claim have for her and want to demonstrate.

Yeah, I’d just go straight up radio silent.

 

[tgsio]

This is called "Putting the ball fully in her court."

It's smart and covers every base. If genuine, it conveys 100% sincerity and 100% confidence. Both work in your favor.
(In the event she legit doesn't want to see you anymore, it also lays the foundation for her to ask "what if" if things don't work out with new dude 6 months from now.)

You have to be prepared to put the ball there (her court), but don't bring any weak shit. You need to be thinking on a different plane.

You also have to be prepared, if she decides you are worth one more chance, to follow through...walking as a man for maybe the first time in your life. Purposefully. With vision for the both of you.

She's through wasting time. I like her already.

Said it better than I could. This exactly.

She waited on you, OP, to man up and offer her the commitment and devotion she tried to give to you. You drug your feet because up to that point, it was working splendidly for you. She finally had enough and made the decision to cut bait and get on with her life.

It might include you in the future, but ....I'm going to be honest with you, it probably won't. She's in her 30s. She's looking for a forever relationship (and probably children) and she's done playing games with boys.

It's going to take some serious soul searching, discipline, and commitment on your part, while giving her space to come back to you without feeling pressured (hint: pressure won't work. Pushing her will drive her further away) while being prepared that she won't.

The good news for you if it doesn't work out the way you want now that she's gone, is that soul searching will serve you and the woman to whom you eventually commit well.

And I'm sorry if my response seems mean or harsh. That's not my intent.

 

[Teddy Jack]

This is called "Putting the ball fully in her court."

It's smart and covers every base. If genuine, it conveys 100% sincerity and 100% confidence. Both work in your favor.
(In the event she legit doesn't want to see you anymore, it also lays the foundation for her to ask "what if" if things don't work out with new dude 6 months from now.)

You have to be prepared to put the ball there (her court), but don't bring any weak shit. You need to be thinking on a different plane.

You also have to be prepared, if she decides you are worth one more chance, to follow through...walking as a man for maybe the first time in your life. Purposefully. With vision for the both of you.

She's through wasting time. I like her already.

That’s good stuff!

 

[America 1st]

Spoiler: Better plan for the OP

 

[MIZCDB]

Dick pics. Chicks love a steady stream of dick pics.

 

[tgsio]

Dick pics. Chicks love a steady stream of dick pics.

Oh yes....

Our absolute favorites!!!!

 

[MIZCDB]

Oh yes....

Our absolute favorites!!!!

See OP....told ya. Be sure to include hot banter like “awwww fvck baby, look what you do to me.” And I’m sure she used to have a nickname for your horn, so be sure to throw in some cute banter as if your junk is actually the one texting her.

Oh and dick trick pics. Wrist watch, chicken leg, monkey brains, “oops I dropped my gum on the floor at the barber shop”, dinner tray.... Girls always crack up at that stuff.

 

[tgsio]

See OP....told ya. Be sure to include hot banter like “awwww fvck baby, look what you do to me.” And I’m sure she used to have a nickname for your horn, so be sure to throw in some cute banter as if your junk is actually the one texting her.

Oh and dick trick pics. Wrist watch, chicken leg, monkey brains, “oops I dropped my gum on the floor at the barber shop”, dinner tray.... Girls always crack up at that stuff.

Don't do this @Crich73




(Unless you really can tie it in a knot. In that case,,I suggest you contact an agent and pursue a career in the arts)

 

[MIZCDB]

Guarantee that OhioGuyStuckWithGirlFromTexas sends TGSIO Snapchats of him doing the helicopter all the time.

 

[Joe Kings]

Okay outside of being an asshole in this thread solid advice incoming. With you texting her all these things she gets the emotional part of the relationship from you and to her the door is always open so why change anything since you’re always there? The second you break contact with her, wish her well with her life, then you’ll find out if she wants you or not. The only path to resolution is breaking contact. Either way you’ll know and you’ll stop wasting valuable time you can never get back.

Solid Advice nobody gets healed at a car accident. Pull away

 

[Joe Kings]

Thanks fellas.

I did put some qualifiers as she can get moody.

I need to say though, our relationship ending really is my fault. I know she wanted to get married to me, and I danced around the issue while pushing her away. Like I said, I'm in my 40s, so I ain't young. She's in her 30s and is ready for a very serious relationship if not marriage.

I really need to emphasize that this is my fault. She's the kind of woman that you'd want to marry.

Your emotions are high right now. Something was holding you back. strp back and see how it goes. IF you smother her shell run. Small little texts here and there. Def dont think about the guy banging her our. Wouldnt recommend that

 

[Joe Kings]

Send her one more text and then be done with it until she responds. Make it something like this:

I'm sorry things cut off like they did and I understand I am at fault. I hope that we can reconcile but I also don't want to crowd or force you into a decision you may not be ready to make. I won't text you again unless it is to respond to you but I will be thinking about you and hope that we can talk again soon.

Then quit fucking texting her until she is ready to talk, which might not ever happen. While you are waiting, go meet some other women- then you can confirm that you really do want to wife this chick.

You have to say somewhere in there. Im not only losing my lover but my friend. and end it with So long. That gets them.

 

[Joe Kings]

There were a few things. She had a hard time accepting responsibility for her actions. If she did something it was due me having done something prior to have triggered her. This would happen on occasion but it was enough to notice.

Also, I found this weird, she had no issue going over, breaking down and piecing together what I've said about my finances. She however was extremely secretive about hers. She has a good job, and makes really good money (relatively) for someone her age. I would call her out on her hypocrisy and ask her why cant she be forthright. I suspect she's fearful that guys would concern themselves and enter into a relationship with that partly in mind. We make about the same, however that might change soon as I have opportunities for to make more from a side project.

One thing though, and I like it, she's frugal. Super practical car, nothing designer, has a nice house, but even that is rather modest. She doesn't like to spend.

Dude all women think its always your fault. zero responsibility. The ones that can have perspective or can reflect are too damaged and or think they can but really cannot. Go tell her you love her and want her back and then leave... Remember to say "So Long"

 

[Joe Kings]

She has too much power over your confidence rn and you’re being lazy and not getting out there to find something better. Throw her stuff out and ignore her calls

WOMEN ARENT SPECIAL

Ahhh yea they are. You just cant put them in there but for a few times. God I love women theyre very special

 

[Peach-head]

Oh yes....

Our absolute favorites!!!!

BRB

 

[Crich73]

Thanks for all the advice fellas, and tgsio. I'm willing to take blame and get my whoopin when deserved, and by and large I do deserve it here. No ones perfect, there were time when her moods were so bad that I would keep quiet in the mornings. Literally a few words then a goodbye. I'm not much of a tv guy, I'll watch more movies than tv shows, that's for sure. We would watch tv every night and it was almost allways what she wanted. Bachelor, 90 fiancee, cooking/baking shows. She would literally fall asleep on the couch watching those show, but she would get pissed that I'd want to watch college football on Saturday. (Only sport I watch, no nfl or nba) She would say we couldn't have breakfast or take the dogs for a walk even though we did have breakfast a two or three times this fall. And we would take the dogs for walks too (I live in west coast so games start at 9 here)

I it was little things like that that made me slow down. One thing that pissed me off was she was accusing me breaking the ice machine since I "left the little bar up and somehow bent it. Now the ice isnt coming out." Or (I fucking love this one) she wants me to clean and tidy up, but I cant us the Dyson since it's new and expensive. I would get home with the dogs destroying the place and would have to use the old vacuum that doesnt work.


Ugh, sorry for the rant. There's good and bad in all relationships, I know this and I've came to the conclusion that she HAD put with my shit, so I'd put up with hers.

 

[pleaseclap]

Thanks for all the advice fellas, and tgsio. I'm willing to take blame and get my whoopin when deserved, and by and large I do deserve it here. No ones perfect, there were time when her moods were so bad that I would keep quiet in the mornings. Literally a few words then a goodbye. I'm not much of a tv guy, I'll watch more movies than tv shows, that's for sure. We would watch tv every night and it was almost allways what she wanted. Bachelor, 90 fiancee, cooking/baking shows. She would literally fall asleep on the couch watching those show, but she would get pissed that I'd want to watch college football on Saturday. (Only sport I watch, no nfl or nba) She would say we couldn't have breakfast or take the dogs for a walk even though we did have breakfast a few times this fall. (I live in west coast so games start at 9 here)

I it was little things like that that made me slow down. One thing that pissed me off was she was accusing me breaking the ice machine since I "left the little bar up and somehow bent it. Now the ice isnt coming out." Or (I fucking love this one) she wants me to clean and tidy up, but I cant us the Dyson since it's new and expensive. I would get home with the dogs destroying the place and would have to use the old vacuum that doesnt work.


Ugh, sorry for the rant. There's good and bad in all relationships, I know this and I've came to the conclusion that she HAD put with my shit, so I'd put up with hers.

NGL, she sounds like a real bitch.

 

[CBradSmith]

Thanks for all the advice fellas, and tgsio. I'm willing to take blame and get my whoopin when deserved, and by and large I do deserve it here. No ones perfect, there were time when her moods were so bad that I would keep quiet in the mornings. Literally a few words then a goodbye. I'm not much of a tv guy, I'll watch more movies than tv shows, that's for sure. We would watch tv every night and it was almost allways what she wanted. Bachelor, 90 fiancee, cooking/baking shows. She would literally fall asleep on the couch watching those show, but she would get pissed that I'd want to watch college football on Saturday. (Only sport I watch, no nfl or nba) She would say we couldn't have breakfast or take the dogs for a walk even though we did have breakfast a two or three times this fall. And we would take the dogs for walks too (I live in west coast so games start at 9 here)

I it was little things like that that made me slow down. One thing that pissed me off was she was accusing me breaking the ice machine since I "left the little bar up and somehow bent it. Now the ice isnt coming out." Or (I fucking love this one) she wants me to clean and tidy up, but I cant us the Dyson since it's new and expensive. I would get home with the dogs destroying the place and would have to use the old vacuum that doesnt work.


Ugh, sorry for the rant. There's good and bad in all relationships, I know this and I've came to the conclusion that she HAD put with my shit, so I'd put up with hers.

Everything I've suggested above are positive, insightful, general practices that attempt to provide the user with an understanding (and develop the mindset) that words are words, but "listening" and the "meta" interaction is discerning *why* words are said within the broader context of a conversation or the overall relationship. (Human interaction can be chess, not checkers, think behind the words to the motivations).

That said, some of what you're saying here causes me pause that your relationship wasn't all that balanced. There's gotta be a roughly 50-50 split on how much each individual is feeling they accommodate the other. That accommodation reflects each other's respect for the other and their willingness to demonstrate their love as a form of "meeting in the middle."

That 50-50 split will ebb and flow over time, but it always needs to hover around the middle. Too much permanent accommodation by one side without reciprocation, over time, leads to feelings of resentment that have to be dealt with 3, 5, 15 years down the road.

Granted she may have been allowing for 90% of your preferences to be expressed in other shared spheres, but only you and she know all the details.

 

[VERIZON MEDIA FTW]

Thanks for all the advice fellas, and tgsio. I'm willing to take blame and get my whoopin when deserved, and by and large I do deserve it here. No ones perfect, there were time when her moods were so bad that I would keep quiet in the mornings. Literally a few words then a goodbye. I'm not much of a tv guy, I'll watch more movies than tv shows, that's for sure. We would watch tv every night and it was almost allways what she wanted. Bachelor, 90 fiancee, cooking/baking shows. She would literally fall asleep on the couch watching those show, but she would get pissed that I'd want to watch college football on Saturday. (Only sport I watch, no nfl or nba) She would say we couldn't have breakfast or take the dogs for a walk even though we did have breakfast a two or three times this fall. And we would take the dogs for walks too (I live in west coast so games start at 9 here)

I it was little things like that that made me slow down. One thing that pissed me off was she was accusing me breaking the ice machine since I "left the little bar up and somehow bent it. Now the ice isnt coming out." Or (I fucking love this one) she wants me to clean and tidy up, but I cant us the Dyson since it's new and expensive. I would get home with the dogs destroying the place and would have to use the old vacuum that doesnt work.


Ugh, sorry for the rant. There's good and bad in all relationships, I know this and I've came to the conclusion that she HAD put with my shit, so I'd put up with hers.

I dunno bro maybe you weren't willing to commit because deep down you don't want to put up with that shit for the rest of your life (and it would certainly get worse after you got married). Maybe you should just trust your gut and find someone else.

 

[CBradSmith]

Last thing I'll say (famous last words) is that back when I was dating or going through relationships, and even today in my marriage and friendships, I always try to couch my thinking in a foundation by asking myself "I'm being reasonable, right?"

I try to build toward an honest, thoughtful answer to that question. It forces me to question and ground my expectations as well as hers/theirs. It forces me to look at what I've done to accommodate her/their expectations, ask myself if I really do have an understanding of their expectations, and, importantly, to assess if they understand my expectations and how they've attempted to accommodate those.

You have to be open-minded and think about her expectations and her perception of accommodation through her eyes. She may actually feel that allotting you 10% of the tv time is balanced. Asking yourself these questions exposes areas where your perceptions differ, which ultimately lead to conversations that provide clarity, both about what is important to each other AND as an understanding of what is behind the curtain...who they are at her/their core. It's possible that as good as you think she is, in her interactions with you, the evidence is that she's simply a selfish or inconsiderate individual. Her expectations may be unreasonable. But you won't be able to discern her selfishness from her ignorance (of your expectations and your perception of accommodation) without thinking these through and asking the requisite questions.

Expectations can be non-negotiable or nice-to-haves. Accommodation is a nicety that comes at a cost, and the resource any of us pull from to accommodate another is finite; you can only accommodate so much relative to the other's accommodation of you.

Ultimately, you want to be able to to have a process in place to answer the question "I'm being reasonable, right?"

Hopefully your general feeling and grounding (through inquiry) is that you are reasonable. Not perfect... reasonable. Reasonable in how much you accommodate her and reasonable in your own expectations and, by extension, how much she's asked to accommodate you. Take the opportunity to explore the areas where expectations and perceptions may be different, asking probing questions and providing clarity to her about your own desires and feelings on balance between you two.

If your answer is that you are not thinking and conducting yourself in a reasonable way (relative to her), then this inquiry of yourself and her will show you the areas of importance and imbalance.

Lastly, if you can answer yourself that you are being fairly reasonable, assuming that you arrive at the answer honestly, but conflict still exists, then stand on that foundation with confidence. That knowledge is a foundation and pivot point. For relationships that are all encompassing and long lasting, generally the most anybody is wired to fairly ask and expect of another is that the other individual have reasonable expectations and makes a reasonable effort to accommodate.

If chronic, deep conflict still lingers, then there's the possibility that her expectations or perceptions (of her own accommodation of you) are unreasonable or are at odds with yours, and very simply, you just aren't compatible for the long term. Many people are just different, and that's okay. On to the next armed with the knowledge that your due diligence on this particular person gave you a solid answer. Some chronic conflict is manageable and all good relationships still have areas of conflict where they are able to manage asymmetrical expectations/accommodations within the broader umbrella of relational trade-offs.

The knowledge to know that you are conducting yourself in a reasonable way relative to another is liberating and empowering.

The method, if you're honest with yourself and clear with the other, is a perpetual feedback loop that both 1) edifies you (how can you be better for her/are there areas I'm neglecting?/are you even capable of being better?/do you care enough to be better?/Are my own expectations reasonable?) and 2) provides you and her with clarity surrounding each others expectations over an area causing conflict.

 

[Mathu99]

Sounds like you have become a cuckold.

 

[Crich73]

Dont get me wrong, she would do alot of stuff around the house, more than me. We would clean on the weekends. I cleaned the bathroom downstairs and the tub upstairs. She'd do laundry and clean the rooms upstairs. I have my own place (I own) but I'd spend most of the time at hers. When covid hit I was furloughed, but we just adopted the puppies so I was staying over there almost exclusively. I'd clean up the messes when I saw them and when I went back to work I'd get "home" before she would and the place would look like a disaster. The dogs would find something we overlooked, paper, mail, Kleenex tissue, or would start chewing the floor molding. I get there and would have to spend half an hour cleaning all that including pee, poop and whatever else was on floor. If the place wasnt spotless, if I missed a corner or whatever then it was like I half assed it according to her.

 

[Crich73]

P.s. I fucking miss those dogs!

 

[AgEngDawg]

Dont get me wrong, she would do alot of stuff around the house, more than me. We would clean on the weekends. I cleaned the bathroom downstairs and the tub upstairs. She'd do laundry and clean the rooms upstairs. I have my own place (I own) but I'd spend most of the time at hers. When covid hit I was furloughed, but we just adopted the puppies so I was staying over there almost exclusively. I'd clean up the messes when I saw them and when I went back to work I'd get "home" before she would and the place would look like a disaster. The dogs would find something we overlooked, paper, mail, Kleenex tissue, or would start chewing the floor molding. I get there and would have to spend half an hour cleaning all that including pee, poop and whatever else was on floor. If the place wasnt spotless, if I missed a corner or whatever then it was like I half assed it according to her.

I am glad I don't have to do that. My wife gave up on that with me and we are much happier.

 

[Hgredmond]

Pull yourself together man. You are acting like you are 18 not 48. Have you ever thought that in your current state you are not cut out for a relationship? There is a reason you are as old as you are and never been married even though you seem open to the idea. You think it has been your choice the whole time but it really hasn’t. No sane woman would invest any time in someone like yourself. Based on your other post You are a selfish person who finds no fault in your own actions. You give examples of petty things like the vacuum and ice maker but do not dig deeper than the surface to see the reason she says this. The only thing you should concern yourself with is fixing yourself because you obviously have personality flaws that make it where no woman can commit to you long time.