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Boys and tgsio, I really fucked up and need help (advice)

Crich73

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Jan 9, 2021
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122
So, I was with my girlfriend for just over two years. At times it's was rocky, (my commitment phobia and her mood swings) and at times it's been very good, if not great. She's in her 30s and I'm in my 40s. Neither of us has been married and we are both doing well professionally, especially her. I'll spare you on the long details, but let's just say I fucked up royally and drove her away. She broke up with me in December, but I know she loves me, and I her.

I know, typical sob story. Guy doesnt appreciate girl, loses girl, tries to get her back.

I've spent much time since then reflecting on her and us. I've been fortunate (or unfortunate) to have been with some girls in the past and have been thru the shit that they pull off and get away with due to the fact their young and hot. This girl is (my opinion) attractive, so what I said prior isnt some slight. The thing that she isnt compared to the others is she is a genuinely good person. Perhaps most most decent girl I've ever dated ,which is high praise considering there's been a couple who are/where good women. Anyways, me fucking up made her do to me what I sort of did to her, keep her at a distance, but in her case push me away.

I hadn't seen her since mid December, although we would text a little bit, but more matter of fact stuff. I stopped by last week to drop off treats (birthday) for the dogs we adopted. She told me she started seeing someone. I talked about some of the reasons I pushed her away but told her I still love her and that I've been a fool. A classic fool. I was there for over three hours, leaving after midnight.

I've been texting her pretty much every day since, telling her I love her, and how I totally fucked up. How I want to commit to her and give her the things she wanted. Naturally she runs to her mom, family and friends and they are suggesting otherwise. She keeps replying to my texts telling me what I'm doing (timing of it is how I'm interpreting that) "isnt fair" and how I've hurt her many times over.

Look boys, (and tgsio if you're reading) I need to try to win her back. (so cliques) she's very girly and loves romantic gestures. (Typical) in the past I've driven half an hour to buy her favorite (expensive, 4 bucks a piece) donuts. I, on occasion would randomly bring flowers, the usual. I need balls to the wall, super romantic, Idk if I look like a dumbass, boombox over my head type of suggestions.

Any ideas or advice will help.

P.s. the fact she started seeing someone has no bearing on anything. It's obviously an impediment, but prior to finding out I was coming to the realization that I want her, that I will never get anyone better.

Rules followed Screenshot_20201026-164813_Samsung Internet.jpgScreenshot_20200405-031951_Samsung Internet.jpgScreenshot_20200326-173227_Google.jpg
 
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muchandmore

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images
 

OrangenBlue98

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Start being happy, enjoy life. Let her do her thing. when she messages you, be interested, but sound like you're enjoying things. It'll suck, but you're not going to win her back by smothering her while she has someone else.

It's the old cliche thing when it comes to exes. They want you more when you're interesting and happy.
 
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22*43*51

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So, I was with my girlfriend for just over two years. At times it's was rocky, (my commitment phobia and her mood swings) and at times it's been very good, if not great. She's in her 30s and I'm in my 40s. Neither of us has been married and we are both doing well professionally, especially her. I'll spare you on the long details, but let's just say I fucked up royally and drove her away. She broke up with me in December, but I know she loves me, and I her.

I know, typical sob story. Guy doesnt appreciate girl, loses girl, tries to get her back.

I've spent much time since then reflecting on her and us. I've been fortunate (or unfortunate) to have been with some girls in the past and have been thru the shit that they pull off and get away with due to the fact their young and hot. This girl is (my opinion) attractive, so what I said prior isnt some slight. The thing that she isnt compared to the others is she is a genuinely good person. Perhaps most most decent girl I've ever dated ,which is high praise considering there's been a couple who are/where good women. Anyways, me fucking up made her do to me what I sort of did to her, keep her at a distance, but in her case push me away.

I hadn't seen her since mid December, although we would text a little bit, but more matter of fact stuff. I stopped by last week to drop off treats (birthday) for the dogs we adopted. She told me she started seeing someone. I talked about some of the reasons I pushed her away but told her I still love her and that I've been a fool. A classic fool. I was there for over three hours, leaving after midnight.

I've been texting her pretty much every day since, telling her I love her, and how I totally fucked up. How I want to commit to her and give her the things she wanted. Naturally she runs to her mom, family and friends and they are suggesting otherwise. She keeps replying to my texts telling me what I'm doing (timing of it is how I'm interpreting that) "isnt fair" and how I've hurt her many times over.

Look boys, (and tgsio if you're reading) I need to try to win her back. (so cliques) she's very girly and loves romantic gestures. (Typical) in the past I've driven half an hour to buy her favorite (expensive, 4 bucks a piece) donuts. I, on occasion would randomly bring flowers, the usual. I need balls to the wall, super romantic, Idk if I look like a dumbass, boombox over my head type of suggestions.

Any ideas or advice will help.

P.s. the fact she started seeing someone has no bearing on anything. It's obviously an impediment, but prior to finding out I was coming to the realization that I want her, that I will never get anyone better.

Rules followed View attachment 9396View attachment 9397View attachment 9398View attachment 9400

trying-too-hard.gif
 

skramer100

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Start being happy, enjoy life. Let her do her thing. when she messages you, be interested, but sounds like you're enjoying things. It'll suck, but you're not going to win her back by smothering her while she has someone else.

It's the old cliche thing when it's comes to exes. They want you more when you're interesting and happy.
This. Act interested but from a far. Women react to that big time. College girlfriend, whom I thought I was gonna marry broke up with me right after college. I tried to win her back for a year and only pushed her further away. Second I started dating somebody seriously she was calling me, driving an hour to see me, etc. Treat her with class but do not put the pussy on a pedestal as posted earlier.
 

VERIZON MEDIA FTW

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You gotta let her go and go find some random girls to have sex with and never call again. Let her come back to you. Chasing her is not going to work, especially if you're texting her everyday. It sounds like you're 2 or 3 steps away from going into full stalker mode and I'd hate to see that happen to you.
 

Tell_Sackett

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168
You put some "qualifiers" about her personality in your description... specifically that she is "moody". That will only get worse. You need to date someone else for a bit and then see if you are still led back to your ex. I think you need space and with that, you'll realize that there are others out there. Do not commit to someone over perceived regret. That is a bad decision.
 

GriffTannen

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Just another perspective. I hope you get what you want and all and it works out for you.

But to me if you guys were together for over 2 years. Broke up less than 3 months ago and she’s already seeing someone else? Idk man. Just my opinion but that’s a little quick for having just been out of a 2 year+ relationship. That’s just me. Sounds like she had been ready to move on for awhile and waited too long herself. Now she’s out enjotijg

Agree with others. Put some distance in. Try to go out on a date or two with other girls. See how you feel then.

GL
 

Nope

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Sounds like my wife. We made it though. Still deal with her moods. Probably one of the best humans I know though.
What did you do specifically? And Stay away from her. Do not smother her. On Occasion text something nice. Let the text organically evolve
dont make anything a habit and always change your methods up that way its different.
 

muchandmore

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Okay outside of being an asshole in this thread solid advice incoming. With you texting her all these things she gets the emotional part of the relationship from you and to her the door is always open so why change anything since you’re always there? The second you break contact with her, wish her well with her life, then you’ll find out if she wants you or not. The only path to resolution is breaking contact. Either way you’ll know and you’ll stop wasting valuable time you can never get back.
 

Crich73

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Messages
122
You put some "qualifiers" about her personality in your description... specifically that she is "moody". That will only get worse. You need to date someone else for a bit and then see if you are still led back to your ex. I think you need space and with that, you'll realize that there are others out there. Do not commit to someone over perceived regret. That is a bad decision.






Thanks fellas.

I did put some qualifiers as she can get moody.

I need to say though, our relationship ending really is my fault. I know she wanted to get married to me, and I danced around the issue while pushing her away. Like I said, I'm in my 40s, so I ain't young. She's in her 30s and is ready for a very serious relationship if not marriage.

I really need to emphasize that this is my fault. She's the kind of woman that you'd want to marry.
 

Crich73

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Just another perspective. I hope you get what you want and all and it works out for you.

But to me if you guys were together for over 2 years. Broke up less than 3 months ago and she’s already seeing someone else? Idk man. Just my opinion but that’s a little quick for having just been out of a 2 year+ relationship. That’s just me. Sounds like she had been ready to move on for awhile and waited too long herself. Now she’s out enjotijg

Agree with others. Put some distance in. Try to go out on a date or two with other girls. See how you feel then.

GL




I said the same thing too! When she told me she started seeing someone my immediate response was "that was fast" to which she replied "not really"

As far as she had been ready to move on, uh, idk. I don't believe she was already looking around while we were still together. She's had two bfs in her life, her first she was with since high school, and me. She dated some between that dude and me, but not anything serious. Her first ended up cheating on her so she broke it off, so I cant see a scenario where she would do that to me. She is a person of high integrity, so. When I saw her last week, she was crying and talking about how she really tried to make it work between us (she did try, like hard) and how she loves me, but that she felt like I could stay or leave at any time and not care due to my demeanor.
 

spf84

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I said the same thing too! When she told me she started seeing someone my immediate response was "that was fast" to which she replied "not really"

As far as she had been ready to move on, uh, idk. I don't believe she was already looking around while we were still together. She's had two bfs in her life, her first she was with since high school, and me. She dated some between that dude and me, but not anything serious. Her first ended up cheating on her so she broke it off, so I cant see a scenario where she would do that to me. She is a person of high integrity, so. When I saw her last week, she was crying and talking about how she really tried to make it work between us (she did try, like hard) and how she loves me, but that she felt like I could stay or leave at any time and not care due to my demeanor.
I mean starting to see somebody else after 3 months really isn’t that fast, and if she wants to have kids she’s on a limited time frame.
 

UNC71-00

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Thanks fellas.

I did put some qualifiers as she can get moody.

I need to say though, our relationship ending really is my fault. I know she wanted to get married to me, and I danced around the issue while pushing her away. Like I said, I'm in my 40s, so I ain't young. She's in her 30s and is ready for a very serious relationship if not marriage.

I really need to emphasize that this is my fault. She's the kind of woman that you'd want to marry.

Send her one more text and then be done with it until she responds. Make it something like this:

I'm sorry things cut off like they did and I understand I am at fault. I hope that we can reconcile but I also don't want to crowd or force you into a decision you may not be ready to make. I won't text you again unless it is to respond to you but I will be thinking about you and hope that we can talk again soon.

Then quit fucking texting her until she is ready to talk, which might not ever happen. While you are waiting, go meet some other women- then you can confirm that you really do want to wife this chick.
 

pleaseclap

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You fucked up and took a good girl for granted. We've all done it. You can't will her back. Lesson learned an move on, bud. Get on some dating apps and start taking down randos. It will help clear your mind.
 

UNC71-00

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also @Crich73 you need to train yourself- go get a thick rubber band and put it around your wrist. Every time you look at your phone to see if ol' girl has texted you, snap the rubber band on your wrist.

Based on the posts I have seen ITT, you will probably break the skin by lunch today.

Got to let this shit go man.
 

Crich73

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I mean starting to see somebody else after 3 months really isn’t that fast, and if she wants to have kids she’s on a limited time frame.



Was more like 4/5 weeks. We split like a week before Christmas, then I found out like two weeks back. I doubt people are going on first dates smack dab in between holidays. But whatever.
 

catfishpunter

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"Romantic gestures" just aren't going to get the job done. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with you, and clearly made herself incredibly vulnerable by telling you that. You treated that with contempt and she walked.

Donuts and flowers won't win that back. She sounds conflicted. In her heart, she probably still feels for you, hence letting you sit and try and win her back for three hours. However, she has engaged her rational brain and asked all the people in her life who love her the most to weigh in and give her a perspective that isn't weighed down with the emotional burden she feels for you.

They're all telling her to walk and not look back.

Whatever you did in your relationship, it was bad enough to turn all of them against you, even though she's the one who left.

Like I said, donuts and flowers or boombox over the head won't get you anywhere. Those things win you first dates, not a lifetime of sacrificial love and commitment, especially when you've thrown that aside once already.

Did she move on "too fast?" The only time she owes you is the time you were mutually committed to one another. The very next day after you broke up, if she chose to date somebody else, that's her prerogative, and something you can't judge at all. The fact that she found somebody immediately means that she was already ready to do so before you broke up. You've spent this time since getting over her, but she was already working on getting over you.

You're an old guy to be playing games with a woman. If you were in your 20s, her friends and family might be impressed by your sudden change of heart and take it as a sign of maturity. As it is, you're on the way to 50, and they're all thinking about that saying about old dogs and new tricks.

You may be out of luck on this one. If you want a shot, you need to stop trying to "win" her like some 18 year old. She's beyond that. You need to sit down, be brutally honest with yourself about your flaws, and figure out if you actually have the guts to change any of them. If you do, ask to get together one more time to talk through some things. Tell her that you'd like to have one conversation with her about the future. You'd like to share some of the real changes you've made in your own heart and how you will live the rest of your life in a different way than the man who drove away an attractive, wholesome, successful woman 10 years younger than you. Tell her that you'd like to have that talk if she will, and that afterwards, you'll leave her alone with her thoughts. If she'd like to give things a second chance after that, great. If not, you'll never bring it up again and will wish her only the best.

I think that's your only shot here, but if you are still the same guy who treated her like crap and you haven't truly learned your lesson and made changes, don't even waste her time. Let her be happy with this new guy while you go on a few dates with somebody else.

Best of luck to you.
 

spf84

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Was more like 4/5 weeks. We split like a week before Christmas, then I found out like two weeks back. I doubt people are going on first dates smack dab in between holidays. But whatever.
What’s she supposed to do sit there and sulk? Pretty common for people to download some apps and get back on the horse.
 

Edgehollow

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Most everyone ITT is in agreement regarding women...the harder you work, the harder they resist. @UNC71-00 had the best advice...one more text, then go @SADUCFKNIGHT on her ass.

I ran one off in my early 20's being too pushy. Probably a good thing, as I think she would have been high maintenance in the end. God may be letting you know this is your path.
 

VERIZON MEDIA FTW

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I said the same thing too! When she told me she started seeing someone my immediate response was "that was fast" to which she replied "not really"

As far as she had been ready to move on, uh, idk. I don't believe she was already looking around while we were still together. She's had two bfs in her life, her first she was with since high school, and me. She dated some between that dude and me, but not anything serious. Her first ended up cheating on her so she broke it off, so I cant see a scenario where she would do that to me. She is a person of high integrity, so. When I saw her last week, she was crying and talking about how she really tried to make it work between us (she did try, like hard) and how she loves me, but that she felt like I could stay or leave at any time and not care due to my demeanor.

She has definitely moved on, emotionally. Have you fucked her since you started talking again? If not you better, fast... or you're going to end up a really good friend.
 

skramer100

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Seen a few posts in here talking about making sure you want her back. Go on a few dates, experience life without her. I did eventually get my girl back and we agreed when we got back that this is it. Well 4 months in and I find out she has completely reversed course on kids. We broke up the next week realizing we wanted very different things. If something was holding you back to committing before, chances are it’s still there.
 

Seagulls

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Send her one more text and then be done with it until she responds. Make it something like this:

I'm sorry things cut off like they did and I understand I am at fault. I hope that we can reconcile but I also don't want to crowd or force you into a decision you may not be ready to make. I won't text you again unless it is to respond to you but I will be thinking about you and hope that we can talk again soon.

Then quit fucking texting her until she is ready to talk, which might not ever happen. While you are waiting, go meet some other women- then you can confirm that you really do want to wife this chick.
This. If she’s saying the timing is awful then show you respect her by now giving her that space. Not really proving you’ve grown with how you’re acting vs. her request right now.
 

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