@weaponoffreedom i just realized i wentnon a tangent instead of telling the toilet brush story.
day or 2 after fire i have some red cross money to buy stuff. Keep in mind im 5-8 190 not fat welder w a gruff beard. I only shave when i see my mom. About 2 months before my place burned i bought a super nice toilet brush and plunger. Like something youd see at Trumps house. Which was very uncharacteristic of me. But oddly i fucking loved it. You hit a peddle abd it would glide up to your hand and had a resevouir for when you put it back to allow for dripping shit water. Boy I loved that thing.
So in Walmart iim in donated Jordache jeans and a boss shirt i am getting stuff for me and Coop l. Tooth brush food a couple toys and such. I hadn't slept in a couple days bc of the trauma except for when the ER Dr shot me up. I was wired.
Right by the meat aisle there was the toilet aisle. I saw the brushes and thought of mine. I full on start balling. Uncontrollable 47yr old welder crying like a child in Walmart holding a toilet brush. This man and his wife walk by and are eyeballing me but they couldn't wrap their head around what they were seeing.(understandable) all I did was shrugg my shoulders and continue to cry right there. I've spent nearly my entire life overcoming adversity that would shut anyone else down. O don't complain about the hand i got i just keep playing. This shit I'm dealing w now has me on the ropes. I'd never believe I could be so weak and exhausted. I can barely shower. Cooking takes too much energy. I've slept 12+hr days since last Friday and Im more tired now. I'm heading in for more tests. I'm almost 50 and for the 1st time considering just giving everything up selling all my shit and sitting down and doing nothing. I have almost lost the will to fight. But I won't quit bc I can't. If I quit I die. Dying doesn't scare me. But being a quitter does tremendously. But it is a trip how a toilet brush could bring me to a blubbering fool at Walmart.
A week ago I had a PTSD trigger and have no memory of the night until a chick friend talked me back to reality. I thought I had passed that shit by but I guess I haven't.
I can't do my work bc I'm so weak. Htf do I pay my bills then? If it lasts a week no big deal if it lasts a year I'm ruined. I've worked 30 years to be modestly ok. I have a nice 3br2ba . If I don't get better fast it'll all be for shit. Pray for me brother
thefreespeechforum.com
