Science died the day I was E.C.T.'d as a child, so I've never believed in science.
Religion died for me the day I begged Jesus to make it all stop and when the silent continuance of abuse continued, it ended up killing every single aspect of religion for me.
And the feds have reminded me every step along the way of my entire life, to never believe on government or the officials who represent gov.
Movies and television died for me many many years ago, I remember the day vividly, 9-11. That's when the scripts of movies and TV all blended together and died.
Music was my crutch for many decades, even after I realized that music is even more of a lair than movies, TV, religion, science or government.
So I made music like therapy and it spoke back before, giving me feedback beyond my wildest fathomings for a long time.
Whether I absolutely crashed as an Emcee or producer or writer, I was afforded a simple type of, say hey listen this works but this don't.
Like listening to old bands/artists or even new bands/artists.
Michelle Branch Annete Lousin & Sabrina Taylor were about the last ones who really enthralled me.
Ana tho always hold a specifically special place in my jukebox of a heart tho, I'll always want to hear her creative style come to life.
I'm nearing 5000 generations thru all the tracks I've given up to suno & yet it's just never the same as recording for myself.
It's like the more I understand what I want from out of the music that I personally produce, the harder and harder life and everything else makes it just so I can not continue the passion for trial and error I producing.
Like when I've created a truly beautiful song nut produced it like shit or when I've created an abstract pos song but produced it professionally.
I used to have listening epiphanies, old classic rock, soft rock, country, metal and pop music. And then the dis-allusions happened.
Like with rap & r/b when I realized their all just a bunch of dv offenders and habitual rezitavists, I was like this is it, this is all there is?
Druggies, alcoholics and abusers, across all
genres?
And thats what made me want to produce even more.
Cuz once you've jumped into the music worlds pocket, the music world owns not only you but also your sound, and then the industry changes you or shreds you up and spits you right back out.
Now before you say anything, I know it's a scam;
But how about like when just the other day I get an email about some jew wanting to be my manager for $25 a month?
A beginners fuck over contract just to get thw big fuck me over contract? No thanks.
And then these pussies on here with all their shit talk and no feed back or actual listening.
Where every thinks I'm actually looking for "that's good" responses, when in reality like back in my youtube days, when nukas would send big ol fuck You videos to me.
Precious pos' that I just flushed when I took/take shits on the shitter.
Just how does depressive music fix me?
A proponderance that I've always wrestled with, if I'd of ever wrestled with inner demons.
Sabrina passed many years ago and Michelle just isn't the same musically nowadays, so it's just not the same.
When I heard 90s r/b I felt just like I did when I first heard Michelle or Sabrina, I was devastated enough to take on the world and not give up.
Now there's like 1 song every 5yrs that actually does anything for me internally.
Is it intentional like the false memories making me cling to a past that very well may not be true?
Whenever I listen to this lp from Michelle, I think about the past as a whole, including my future self that's stuck reflecting on all the shit days that I spent as a human on earth.
Which is where I've now come to realize that suno just isn't hitting the spot like it used to as when I produced.
And now after I've re-listened to my entire original archive, ten times over, it's just not the same either bc I have so much more that I want to produce on my own as my own creator.
Sort of like when I hear a song straight ripped from the pages of my life, leaving me feeling like, I should have produced that piece not that pos.
Now however, I no longer get depressive over any aspect of the mortal life, I get highly aggressive bc I do not have the time and space to rely on the 1 therapist that's ever fixed any of the wrongs of & in my life.
It's not even the peak 17yr old, old me that mentally kicks my ass the worst, it's the old version of the new me that used to record any time, anywhere that inflicts the worst trauma.
I do not have any other human attributes like skill trade or any type of formal education, just what I hear inside my mind and heart.
And even tho I have more than 5000 songs between my own archive and the suno archive that I've produced, I still have a gazillion more songs I have to, need to produce, personally. Even if some of the productions come out wrong.
That's the basic backbone of any creator, trial and error. And so I will say suno has taught me what works and doesn't.
Now be it that-that may be, I've still been able to deep dive the deepest depths of my original archive and I still find tracks that I produced that just hits so much differently than any other artist or music creator out there.
Which is when/where I'm reminded that no matter what I hear from others, it still tells me the truths of the sound, the person and it's personification via digital airwaves and all in reverse as their track plays forward, normally;
Also reminding me that no matter how prolific any musician (magician) has ever been not one in all recorded history has had such a depth and fortitude as myself.
Which has also always made me question reality even more, bc ever since 2012 music has never been as so equated to anything other worldly.
Sure there's the rare and far & in between reviews and personal opinions that offer as much of a recognition, however;
Not even the artists themselves have come out to say some truly off the wall shit about reality before 2012 & the few that have are all gone now, so it makes me think just how much is actually fabricated compared to really and truly real.
And even tho no one looks at my posts or if they do their as disinterested as I am about the mortal world, I know a certain sort of simplistic truth about it all.
Which is, if I was ever actually hit up for so e real sounds, I will usher the great shake, Biblically or musically.
