Cannot find Offial crootn story. Couple funny.

[Rebarcock.]

So in 1991 I was pretty redneck
I hunted or fished 300 days a year.
95% of the time was w a buddy we will call Julio Ray.
Well Julio was a pure red. We are comparable fishing but hunting he could see 40 miles and shoot a dick off a fly. He loved Nascar but o never got into turn left 1000 times and win money. (With that said I loved it as a video game. I'll put any of yall on a wall)
Well Darlington has a fall and spring race. He was all jazzed to go. Demanded I go. Told me once I see it in person I'll fall on love w it.
So I agree to go.
Big mistake
We left Columbia early that morning. I grab a couple butter patties and muscle them down (learned the trick from Carl the bum) we leave outskirts Columbia and I'm pounding beer and doing shots.
Julio doesn't speed and only rarely goes the speed limit. A 1.5 hr drove takes 2.15 hrs. Unlike when I drive and it takes 1hr.
Needless to say by the time
We hit Darlingron Rebarcock. Has become PartyCock.
I'm a good time Charlie. Never met a stranger etc.
All I took was beer and booze. Forgot completely about food. It is 11am and I'm torqued. We park and i have gone bonkers from the snail's pace we drove so i start trudging thru the expansive sea of redneck and confederate flags. I look around and think "wow this is pretty cool"
By noon i had seen 40 tits and had a couple more beers and shots. I carried a 6pack in one of those ol camel Joe 6pack back sling cooler/koozoe things.
I get back to the truck when I learn you could take beer inside. "Wow this is cool" I say again to no one in particular. We start making our way in. The yells, chants,smells and sites, on the way in were both good and bad the entire trek. We are in the Grand Stands w 90k of our buddies
I continue to pound beer like a real champ.
The race is about to start. Fuck man, I'm wobbly. I need to sit on the cooler for a minute. I sit on the cooler in the Grand Stands and proceed to pass out sitting for the 1st 90 laps.(lmao)
My old buddy Mr Law Enforcement shows up, nudges me, and explains I can't sit on a cooler and obstruct the aisle. You know in case the concrete catches fire or some other bullshit reason. So I push down the line of seats find Julio and our group and stand w them. Julio tells me "we are gonna go down to the fence so you can feel the race" I am game for it. Let's go.
We go down and all I remember is smelling fuel and burnt rubber and getting peppered w shit as the cars go by. Ok great. We head back to our seats. It is +/- lap100
Everyone is standing on their seats so i stand too. In retrospect I was in no condition to stand. I was much better on a cooler.
I'm next to a 430lb red who has never eaten a vegetable. He is a hootin'and hollerin' for Mark Martin. Well the fucking wobbles hit me square in my arms and waist. I start to fall forward and over correct as drunks do on occasions. I reach out and w my left hand grab something. It is a 430lb inbred carolina lard ass. I'm probably 160 or so but he was drunk too. Well long story short me and him go tumbling forward. I fell 1 row. This lard ass took out 4 rows 3-4 people wide. Well that was just the shot of adrenaline I needed to pep up. Problem was lard ass is mad and yelling from his bloodied mouth he is gonna whip my ass. Well what I don't have in size I make up for in quicks. As he comes up the stairs. I jump right and go down the path he cleared out on the bleachers. Dude is trying to grab me w his hamhocks and sausage fingers. Well all those people just know he took them out. THEY didn't see WobbleCock cause this mayhem. So they see lard ass and start booing him and let me slide by on the bleachers. Lard ass is chasing but spills about 3 stairs from the bottom. I ran all the way to car.
Trade a 6pack of bud for a box of chicken. Ate then passed out. I saw 15 laps. Don't remember them really and had a great time. Still not a fan of Nascar though

 

[Rebarcock.]

In the 80s everyone but me had a moped and a BB gun. I used to day dream about all the mayhem I could get in to of I just had a moped and a BB gun. Keep in mind I had been hunting and fishing already so my folks were not opposed to me using a gun. They just didn't want ME to have access to these simple tools...well bc it is me and they know me.

So me and a buddy we will call him Porkchop. (My dad coined that for him)He was a stupid shit. Failed kindergarten and 1st grade. Htf do you fail that shit ya know? Kid could drive to school in 8th grade- I couldn't drive til I was a sophomore in HS. That is crazy shit.
Anyway me and porkchop were walking around the Sandhills of Columbia bored af in 100 degree heat July 1983 I think
We run in to my buddy Almond. He was a rich kid w a pedal start Gerrali (?sp)
I figured shoot my shot
I ask if we can borrow it. He says sure. I just need it back by 5pm. It is noon so Jackpot!
Of course since I asked I drove. Well a couple miles away these hooligan buddies the Faulds were 3 boys. They had the good life. We went over there.
Travis had just had a Bday. He got a new BB gun. I complained I always wanted one. He says here is my old one. Well holy shit this is the day I got a moped and BB gun. Perfect.
It was far from a perfect day.
I never could figure out why but we go to where they are building a house a couple blocks from where my family lived. I was shooting the workers old bottles bc everyone here knows busting bottles is a good time. Well a lab came strolling up. I love dogs so I'm playing w the dog. Way better than a gun or moped for me.
Well fucking porkchop decides since the windows were glass he was fine w shooting them.
My fuck He shot 8 windows on a high-end house. They cost 231.00 in 1983 money so a grand or so now ea
Well some Mrs Crabapple saw him do it and called the law. The cops knew us and we knew them. Smitty was the cop. Smitty pulls up. We take off on the moped. And to a young mind we were really moving. In reality we were maybe going 25. Smitty just followed us.
We get 1 road over from Porkchop's house and he jumps off. He keeps the gun.
I pull over bc well I hadn't shot anything and wasn't responsible for Porkchop. His parents are.
So Smitty makes me go back to the house. He assessed the situation. Multiple windows shot w BB gun. I tell him I didn't do it. SMITTY: No shit I saw Porkchop w the gun. We are going to the station.
My fuck
So by this time it is 4pm. I have to get dude his moped by 5pm. I give him porkchop address name and home phone. Smitty let's me go. I run the moped to Almond and walk home thinking crisis averted and my folks are none the wiser. Wrong.
My fuck
Smitty, Porkchop and his Dad all show up exactly as I walk up. The good Lord also had my law abiding father show up at the exact same time. In my before college life my dad showed up home early 3times. Only missed 1 day of work for illness. (Due to this persistent nature I got an award at grade school for perfect attendanc)
Well dad has no idea what is going on. Porkchop blamed me for it all. Fucking dick. When I heard that shit I told all the adults the truth. Porkchop folks had to pay almost 2k to pay for the house windows. I took an ass whipping bc my dad specifically told me not to go to that house they were building.
(I think he was secretly impressed w my acquisition of products skill)
Well Porkchop got in all kinds of trouble. We were in 6th grade. I should have been in 5th grade and chops should have been in 8th. He ended up giving me a proper beat down. Black eye. Busted lip etc about a week later. When I got home that night my dad asked what happened. I told him porkchop beat my ass. My dad told me "I guess you think about bb guns mopeds and hanging out w Porkchop anymore.
Eta
Porkchop moved. Didn't see him again til I was a senior in HS. He topped out in 6th grade. Little fat dickstain. We were coming off the FB field in August after the second practice of 2 a day camp. He was chummy w all the old guys. When he saw me he knew I hadn't forgotten the ass beating. We shake hands. In 1 motion I grab his hand pull him towards me and knuckle his cock and balls as we shake embrace. He went straight down. I was hoping that would start a fight. It didn't and everything was fine after that.

 

[Rebarcock.]

So at any titty bar there are whores. Well at The Master's there were some hot ones. This chick Mel was hot. Bad coke problem paid for it by sucking cocks for 100 per song.
We all knoquip
ľw my buddies all work there so I'm at the bar drinking medicine for my back issues. I was rolling balls for fun. I had seen Mel early andp gave her a roll. A couple hrs later she is doing a "dance" in the back. The only thing that separated were curtains. So visually you can't see but audibly very
low protectioni
So The music is playing and all of a sudden there is a marble garbled shriek. Mel is covered in jizz. Both eyes shut feeling her way around to to try and get beyond the curtains. Dude must have blown a load for a decade. It must have been a liter of baby gravy all over her naked ass. She looked like Ms Magoo. (Or possibly @njnole)Well people were horrified except me and the other few dudes who worked there. We all lmfao. She got fired and said it was my fault.....? I mean I wasn't sucking a dudes dick how am I to blame.

 

[BurntJ]

So in 1991 I was pretty redneck
I hunted or fished 300 days a year.
95% of the time was w a buddy we will call Julio Ray.
Well Julio was a pure red. We are comparable fishing but hunting he could see 40 miles and shoot a dick off a fly. He loved Nascar but o never got into turn left 1000 times and win money. (With that said I loved it as a video game. I'll put any of yall on a wall)
Well Darlington has a fall and spring race. He was all jazzed to go. Demanded I go. Told me once I see it in person I'll fall on love w it.
So I agree to go.
Big mistake
We left Columbia early that morning. I grab a couple butter patties and muscle them down (learned the trick from Carl the bum) we leave outskirts Columbia and I'm pounding beer and doing shots.
Julio doesn't speed and only rarely goes the speed limit. A 1.5 hr drove takes 2.15 hrs. Unlike when I drive and it takes 1hr.
Needless to say by the time
We hit Darlingron Rebarcock. Has become PartyCock.
I'm a good time Charlie. Never met a stranger etc.
All I took was beer and booze. Forgot completely about food. It is 11am and I'm torqued. We park and i have gone bonkers from the snail's pace we drove so i start trudging thru the expansive sea of redneck and confederate flags. I look around and think "wow this is pretty cool"
By noon i had seen 40 tits and had a couple more beers and shots. I carried a 6pack in one of those ol camel Joe 6pack back sling cooler/koozoe things.
I get back to the truck when I learn you could take beer inside. "Wow this is cool" I say again to no one in particular. We start making our way in. The yells, chants,smells and sites, on the way in were both good and bad the entire trek. We are in the Grand Stands w 90k of our buddies
I continue to pound beer like a real champ.
The race is about to start. Fuck man, I'm wobbly. I need to sit on the cooler for a minute. I sit on the cooler in the Grand Stands and proceed to pass out sitting for the 1st 90 laps.(lmao)
My old buddy Mr Law Enforcement shows up, nudges me, and explains I can't sit on a cooler and obstruct the aisle. You know in case the concrete catches fire or some other bullshit reason. So I push down the line of seats find Julio and our group and stand w them. Julio tells me "we are gonna go down to the fence so you can feel the race" I am game for it. Let's go.
We go down and all I remember is smelling fuel and burnt rubber and getting peppered w shit as the cars go by. Ok great. We head back to our seats. It is +/- lap100
Everyone is standing on their seats so i stand too. In retrospect I was in no condition to stand. I was much better on a cooler.
I'm next to a 430lb red who has never eaten a vegetable. He is a hootin'and hollerin' for Mark Martin. Well the fucking wobbles hit me square in my arms and waist. I start to fall forward and over correct as drunks do on occasions. I reach out and w my left hand grab something. It is a 430lb inbred carolina lard ass. I'm probably 160 or so but he was drunk too. Well long story short me and him go tumbling forward. I fell 1 row. This lard ass took out 4 rows 3-4 people wide. Well that was just the shot of adrenaline I needed to pep up. Problem was lard ass is mad and yelling from his bloodied mouth he is gonna whip my ass. Well what I don't have in size I make up for in quicks. As he comes up the stairs. I jump right and go down the path he cleared out on the bleachers. Dude is trying to grab me w his hamhocks and sausage fingers. Well all those people just know he took them out. THEY didn't see WobbleCock cause this mayhem. So they see lard ass and start booing him and let me slide by on the bleachers. Lard ass is chasing but spills about 3 stairs from the bottom. I ran all the way to car.
Trade a 6pack of bud for a box of chicken. Ate then passed out. I saw 15 laps. Don't remember them really and had a great time. Still not a fan of Nascar though