Official Tell Crootn a Story Thread

[Quatch$]

If there’s gonna be @Rebarcock stories I’m in.

 

[quickfeet]

Hell yeah. I’ll be back

 

[Sikness23245]

@Rebarcock. as long as you start typing before you start drinking.

 

[absoluteUnit]

I have a couple that id love to tell. But I don't wanna taken over like the grocery thread.

Anhthing welcome.
You were trudging thru a rice paddy

You were in a ford boardroom meeting

You farted and blamed your mother in law.
Basically a thread for us to just tell funny stories. I can tell a story about a bird shutting on my German Grandma in Ireland. I also got shitfaced on the same trip five stories up over Galway Bay Ireland.

If others chip in stories i think this could be good.

What if we want a story thread, but are also a faggot?

 

[Cat_Incognito]

I was working remote one day, and had virtual meetings. I load the webex, dial into the conference bridge, then proceed to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, it turned into a brown massacre. Probably sounded like the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles.

I finish up, flush the toilet, then grab my phone to find out that I failed to mute.

I still can't believe nobody mentioned anything. Thank GOD it was before Webex started showing who was talking or making noise in the background, else I would have gotten a call from HR that day.

 

[Rebarcock.]

What if we want a story thread, but are also a faggot?

I do not get a ton of putang but i am not a gay. My friends and the like may call me a faggot or dicksucker but usually there is booze involved

 

[Rebarcock.]

If there’s gonna be @Rebarcock stories I’m in.

Dude i think Imsaying my shjt out to form a good book. The content I have read over the past 20 years is incredible. I prefer true stiff but as long as it is funny i will allow it. The world needs to laugh.

 

[tgsio]

Go.

You have the best stories.

 

[Rebarcock.]

@Rebarcock. as long as you start typing before you start drinking.

OT doesnt work that way. I try to edit the next day. The stories are dunnoer when i drunk tell them. Do not restrict the Irish bard in me.

 

[Rebarcock.]

What if we want a story thread, but are also a faggot?

I don't really care where you put ducks in your body. So start a thread for your kind faggot

 

[Rebarcock.]

I can puke on command. Since i can remember like 2 yr i could always do it.
When I was 16 a freshman who was also 16 drove to school. (He was a functioning tard.)
I covered his hole wind shield and all handles or key holes w barf. We are friends and he is a game warden now.

 

[Rebarcock.]

Of no one else tells stories I wont keep OT up. And I have 10000s OS based in truth stories. Most good. Some bad.

 

[Rebarcock.]

So my femur was broken and i had two screws holding it together. The Drs cut my cast and added hinges. The cast weighed more than me. Im 13 as a freshman. 1 week outta the hospital after compound fracture playing football.
Me and Grim(evil genius) pick the lock (I did it. I can pick locks too) of his war hero grandpas liquor cabinet. We did a good 8 shots of gin and a couple brandy each.
It is dusk.
Im hobbling having just had a big surgery and Im already drunk and Grim is just drunk.
We start taking roadsigns out of the ground. Stupid kid shit. Ol man Jenkins sees us and is hollering and coming at us. Grm runs. I can only hobble and ol Jenkins is gaining. Right then a 1985 celebrity (had an i saw the Lizard Man sticker on it) pulled up and i jumped in. O l man Jenkins cursed me.
My buddy Mr D saved my ass. We met Grim back at his house and later found gis grandpas grenade whilSt still drunk.

 

[shiv]

I’m gonna edit the title to get some more attention and lay down some rules so others know they gotta contribute if they want to keep getting @Rebarcock. stories

 

[Rebarcock.]

So I got cooper he was 9 weeks old. Best pooch ever. Fast forward a yr and me him a couple chicks and my buddy are in a 28ft triton walk around. We go oit to an island but I have my dog in a float vest. He is a big beast.
I jave. No idea how he did it but he ran for 1 HR and came back w 3 bikini tops. We called him Champ the rest of the day. He later tried being pals w some dolphin but the didnt like him bc he is black i think

 

[REMESSIS]

I got one for you people (whaddya mean you people?) because someone in it is a pretty big deal now.

One of the times I got wounded in Iraq, I got blown up, and don’t really remember anything until later at the hospital in Baghdad. Before that though, my team evac’d me back to our compound, then sent me out to the hospital. Now this part of the story was relayed to me by my boys, and at least one field grade officer, as I was completely fucked up and don’t remember it.
While at the compound, it just so happened we had a very high profile visitor, none other than the Commanding General of the 10th mountain division. We were in his AO and he came over to coordinate with our people. You may have heard of him, as he’s the new SECDEF, Gen. Lloyd Austin.
Apparently dude is talking to me, asking how I am and whatnot. According to those coherent enough to remember, I look up at this dude and quite forcefully ask him “who in the fuck are you?” I can only imagine the horror on the faces of those present, and I wish I could have seen it. Or remember it I should say. Well he must have not been too butthurt about it because when I woke up in the hospital I had his coin in my pocket.
Now waking up at the hospital was another adventure. The first thing I remember is opening my eyes and seeing nothing but white. Everything was very bright white. I also feel like I’m crammed into something. I fucking lose it. I think I’m in a coffin. So I start to beat the shit out of everything around me whilst kicking my feet about.
Turns out I’m not in a coffin. I’m in an MRI machine so they can check my brain for bleeds and such. At my feet is a nurse that I kick the shit out of and put on the floor. She promptly stabs me in the ass with a needle and I go night night again. Good times.

 

[shiv]

I got one for you people (whaddya mean you people?) because someone in it is a pretty big deal now.

One of the times I got wounded in Iraq, I got blown up, and don’t really remember anything until later at the hospital in Baghdad. Before that though, my team evac’d me back to our compound, then sent me out to the hospital. Now this part of the story was relayed to me by my boys, and at least one field grade officer, as I was completely fucked up and don’t remember it.
While at the compound, it just so happened we had a very high profile visitor, none other than the Commanding General of the 10th mountain division. We were in his AO and he came over to coordinate with our people. You may have heard of him, as he’s the new SECDEF, Gen. Lloyd Austin.
Apparently dude is talking to me, asking how I am and whatnot. According to those coherent enough to remember, I look up at this dude and quite forcefully ask him “who in the fuck are you?” I can only imagine the horror on the faces of those present, and I wish I could have seen it. Or remember it I should say. Well he must have not been too butthurt about it because when I woke up in the hospital I had his coin in my pocket.
Now waking up at the hospital was another adventure. The first thing I remember is opening my eyes and seeing nothing but white. Everything was very bright white. I also feel like I’m crammed into something. I fucking lose it. I think I’m in a coffin. So I start to beat the shit out of everything around me whilst kicking my feet about.
Turns out I’m not in a coffin. I’m in an MRI machine so they can check my brain for bleeds and such. At my feet is a nurse that I kick the shit out of and put on the floor. She promptly stabs me in the ass with a needle and I go night night again. Good times.

Holy shit dude awesome story! I like it preemptively when I saw you posted it after bustin out of lurking yesterday. Thanks for sharing man

 

[imprimis]

I can puke on command. Since i can remember like 2 yr i could always do it.
When I was 16 a freshman who was also 16 drove to school. (He was a functioning tard.)
I covered his hole wind shield and all handles or key holes w barf. We are friends and he is a game warden now.

While in the service I played on the base baseball team. After a game, I got very drunk. When I got back to the barracks I somehow climbed into my upper bunk and the "spinning" began. I fell out of the bunk and tried to get to the bathroom as I knew I was going to puke. I made it about 10 feet and projectile vomited on some guy asleep in his bunk. Don't remember much after that.

 

[quickfeet]

So when I bought my first car at a used car dealership, I went in there with a mindset to get the best value possible. So I was honed in pretty well on Hondas - didn’t have that Toyota money at the time.

Well looked at a few cars and then came across a white civic that was a couple years old, but was like $1-2k cheaper than the comparable automatic. Well I had never driven a manual transmission before but I was determined to save a buck.

The salesman drove me to a lot so I could learn how to drive it lol. Well we do a few circles in the lot and then hit the road. It was a bumpy ride to say the least. I think I almost killed us a couple times, but got back to the dealership. Salesman was white as a sheet when we got back. And then I bought it with about two minutes experience driving.

I got out of the lot (barely) and made it to the first stop light - five o clock traffic. Car stalls out cause I can’t figure out to manage the clutch and the gas. I roll back into the people behind me and am panicked. I open the door in the middle of the highway and the door nearly gets taken off by oncoming traffic. I walk back to the guy and apologize and tell him “I’m sorry dude I don’t know how to drive this car”. That guy looked terrified because I think he thought I was on bath salts or something. Well I get back in the car and manage to make it to the next light.

At the next light, stalled out again. Sat through a full light cycle (a pretty long turn signal), traffic is just backing up like crazy behind me. Second light cycle I barely get it going right when the light is going red and peel out like a mother fucker. I’m positive that everyone behind thought I was just sitting there to be a massive dick.

Anyhoo, instead of going home I drive to my friends house that’s closer and have him follow me home. I have one more stall out event in a major intersection - right in the fuckin middle of the intersection. I couldn’t make it through before the perpendicular lanes get to start going. Tons of cars pass by looking at me like I’m an idiot (which I was that day but by God I saved a buck or two).

 

[imprimis]

So when I bought my first car at a used car dealership, I went in there with a mindset to get the best value possible. So I was honed in pretty well on Hondas - didn’t have that Toyota money at the time.

Well looked at a few cars and then came across a white civic that was a couple years old, but was like $1-2k cheaper than the comparable automatic. Well I had never driven a manual transmission before but I was determined to save a buck.

The salesman drove me to a lot so I could learn how to drive it lol. Well we do a few circles in the lot and then hit the road. It was a bumpy ride to say the least. I think I almost killed us a couple times, but got back to the dealership. Salesman was white as a sheet when we got back. And then I bought it with about two minutes experience driving.

I got out of the lot (barely) and made it to the first stop light - five o clock traffic. Car stalls out cause I can’t figure out to manage the clutch and the gas. I roll back into the people behind me and am panicked. I open the door in the middle of the highway and the door nearly gets taken off by oncoming traffic. I walk back to the guy and apologize and tell him “I’m sorry dude I don’t know how to drive this car”. That guy looked terrified because I think he thought I was on bath salts or something. Well I get back in the car and manage to make it to the next light.

At the next light, stalled out again. Sat through a full light cycle (a pretty long turn signal), traffic is just backing up like crazy behind me. Second light cycle I barely get it going right when the light is going red and peel out like a mother fucker. I’m positive that everyone behind thought I was just sitting there to be a massive dick.

Anyhoo, instead of going home I drive to my friends house that’s closer and have him follow me home. I have one more stall out event in a major intersection - right in the fuckin middle of the intersection. I couldn’t make it through before the perpendicular lanes get to start going. Tons of cars pass by looking at me like I’m an idiot (which I was that day but by God I saved a buck or two).

I bought a new truck a year ago. First auto transmission in a vehicle I had in over 35 years. I still find myself pushing the floorboard looking for a clutch. I prefer shifting gears as that is how I learned to drive. Grandparents lived on a ranch and had an old pickup with 3 on the column. When we visited, granddad tossed my brother and me the keys and said go for it. He also had a road grader and a dozer which my brother took for a spin several times.

 

[imprimis]

I was working remote one day, and had virtual meetings. I load the webex, dial into the conference bridge, then proceed to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, it turned into a brown massacre. Probably sounded like the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles.

I finish up, flush the toilet, then grab my phone to find out that I failed to mute.

I still can't believe nobody mentioned anything. Thank GOD it was before Webex started showing who was talking or making noise in the background, else I would have gotten a call from HR that day.

Sure you are not Jeffrey Toobin and this was not really about assaulting the American Standard?

 

[Chris Farley]

I can puke on command. Since i can remember like 2 yr i could always do it.
When I was 16 a freshman who was also 16 drove to school. (He was a functioning tard.)
I covered his hole wind shield and all handles or key holes w barf. We are friends and he is a game warden now.

 

[Rebarcock.]

I got one for you people (whaddya mean you people?) because someone in it is a pretty big deal now.

One of the times I got wounded in Iraq, I got blown up, and don’t really remember anything until later at the hospital in Baghdad. Before that though, my team evac’d me back to our compound, then sent me out to the hospital. Now this part of the story was relayed to me by my boys, and at least one field grade officer, as I was completely fucked up and don’t remember it.
While at the compound, it just so happened we had a very high profile visitor, none other than the Commanding General of the 10th mountain division. We were in his AO and he came over to coordinate with our people. You may have heard of him, as he’s the new SECDEF, Gen. Lloyd Austin.
Apparently dude is talking to me, asking how I am and whatnot. According to those coherent enough to remember, I look up at this dude and quite forcefully ask him “who in the fuck are you?” I can only imagine the horror on the faces of those present, and I wish I could have seen it. Or remember it I should say. Well he must have not been too butthurt about it because when I woke up in the hospital I had his coin in my pocket.
Now waking up at the hospital was another adventure. The first thing I remember is opening my eyes and seeing nothing but white. Everything was very bright white. I also feel like I’m crammed into something. I fucking lose it. I think I’m in a coffin. So I start to beat the shit out of everything around me whilst kicking my feet about.
Turns out I’m not in a coffin. I’m in an MRI machine so they can check my brain for bleeds and such. At my feet is a nurse that I kick the shit out of and put on the floor. She promptly stabs me in the ass with a needle and I go night night again. Good times.

Thanks for a great story and service

 

[Rebarcock.]

I bought a new truck a year ago. First auto transmission in a vehicle I had in over 35 years. I still find myself pushing the floorboard looking for a clutch. I prefer shifting gears as that is how I learned to drive. Grandparents lived on a ranch and had an old pickup with 3 on the column. When we visited, granddad tossed my brother and me the keys and said go for it. He also had a road grader and a dozer which my brother took for a spin several times.

I always drove sticks AMD used to hit the brake looking for the clutch

 

[quickfeet]

I always drove sticks AMD used to hit the brake looking for the clutch

Yeah I switched back to automatic a few years back and everyone once in a while a slam the shit out of the brakes

 

[IdrinkandIKNOWthings]

I’m gonna edit the title to get some more attention and lay down some rules so others know they gotta contribute if they want to keep getting @Rebarcock. stories

There’s one about this being a new and exciting place that was to be nothing like tMB. Then this very same place goes and makes MODs that were also MODS on tMB and sadly here we fucking are

 

[quickfeet]

There’s one about this being a new and exciting place that was to be nothing like tMB. Then this very same place goes and makes MODs that were also MODS on tMB and sadly here we fucking are

Are you retarded or something? Some of these guys might used to mod on rivals but they are about as far from Genmod as you can get. There has been nothing deleted by the mods as far as I know on this site and the handling of the NSFW stuff was a little quick on the draw, but they came up with a good solution in the end

 

[quickfeet]

There’s one about this being a new and exciting place that was to be nothing like tMB. Then this very same place goes and makes MODs that were also MODS on tMB and sadly here we fucking are

Also this is one odd first post. Is that you trying some shitty troll attempt GenMod?

 

[IdrinkandIKNOWthings]

Are you retarded or something? Some of these guys might used to mod on rivals but they are about as far from Genmod as you can get. There has been nothing deleted by the mods as far as I know on this site and the handling of the NSFW stuff was a little quick on the draw, but they came up with a good solution in the end

They know what I’m talking about. Has nothing to do with what you referenced.

 

[Rebarcock.]

I gotta catch up bit this is a good one if i can paint the picture right.

I grew up in Columbia
Late 89 I got a 1986 Jimmy 4x4 red two door.
I had to cut my mullet for a court hearing so I now look like a respectable senior at the Catholic high school.
Me and mikeD are cruising to go burn one before some school function.
There is a long cut through road just down from our school. Clemson Dr if I remember correctly. Well on the right is a church and on left is a school w a big play ground.this place flooded out terribly. After a good rain we always made a point to go hit lake Clemson doing 50+. Stupid kid shit.

Well the church musta been having a potluck dinner that evening. Current time 430pm.
Well it had rained all day long so we were taking the cut thru to hit lake Clemson.

Long straight road, rich neighborhood.
There is an olds98 parked by the church ALL FOUR DOORS OPEN and parked in the middle of the road puddle. I Immediately knew what i was going to do. I start speeding up and yell to mikeD "this is gonna tne one for the books"

This puddle was a good 60 yards and deepest at the 30 yard mark. That was precisely where the olds98 was parked doors open. We are just hitting 50 and are entering the start of the puddle.
At this moment we are committed to drenching this car entirely.
The wave my 86 Jimmy would put up was impressive. The driver was all world at puddle moving.
Just then two older ladies peak up, one standing bent over at the driver side door one at the rear passenger.
Me and mikeD see them at the same time and yelled oh s hit but i secretly was even happier these two people popped up. (I was 16 as a senior and a bad kid but i was taught right so keep reading)
The wave encompassed AND passed thru the entire car. The two grandmas were as wet as they could be from jumping off a ship.
MikeD is fully turned around and going ape s hit. Im laughing may nuts off. We made it about 100 yards past them and i turned around. We pull up and i gave them each a towel from my truck and plead ignorance to the puddle. The inside of the old98 held four casseroles. Greenbean casserole,some chicken pot pie looking shit, Mac and cheese the southern way and i think sweet potatoe casserole too. Well the food was covered so it was ok. I gave the ladies my truck to ho home and clean up. We took the casseroles inside and took the olds98 w a 4barrel carb to clean it out for the grannies. Well 16 yr and 18 yr dudes wanna see what a 350 4barrel can do. So we had our fun doing 360 and a couple neutral drops then went over to franks car wash and had our buddy vacuum and clean the hell out of the olds98. Payment was we caught gim a buzz. About 630 we run the olds98 back to the scene of the crime. Those Lil ol grannies thought we were so nice for stopping to help. Their husbands knew we were full of shit. askiing howd we get going that fast and be in the wrong lane to make the 86jimmy drench the grannies?
Well my dad worked w one guy. When i said my last name he knew it bc where we were from it is uncommon pretty much. We made a deal he would keep quiet if i did 4 Saturdays work for him. Well mikeD and i did over two months. Grandpa asked us to tell him the story. We all laughed and laughed. He illegally gave us bud heavies each time we helped. I helped him until i was 22 and left for myrtle beach to start the shop w my Dad
That ol timer was a WWII bomber guy. He was an amazing man and his wife was a sweetie. Mike D helped the other granny and her husband and became friendly w them too. Funny how the Lord does it

 

[Rebarcock.]

There’s one about this being a new and exciting place that was to be nothing like tMB. Then this very same place goes and makes MODs that were also MODS on tMB and sadly here we fucking are

eat a Dick. He is helping to get content added. Tell a fuck ING story faggot

 

[Rebarcock.]

@Croot_Overlord can you merge the grocery store thread into this one?
Im such a loser like reading my own stories

 

[Chris Farley]

Stories....hmmm, well I don’t want to come off as the “look at me” type guy but I could tell about how I got my bronze star for valor if anyone is interested in it?

 

[Rebarcock.]

The Story of Booger

Me mikeD and Boog are still buddies. After my place burnt up Boog helped me out a bunch. They are good people.
Before Boog was Boog he was a normal kid. Played QB, baseball, dated a hot slutty chick etc
Well in the time of one week he grew a skin tag just above right eyelid but below his eyebrow. We teased him but it was harmless. Like they used to call me crip. No biggie. Well we are horny 16yr guys.

We are hungry and in irmo sc. There was a Hooters there. We have a plan. Eat shitty food and check out the T&A. Can t lose.
Well we all won but Boog
This smokeshow is waiting on 5 of us. We order 100wings and 2 pitchers. I had a fake ID. Waitress knew we were under but dngaf BC it was 2pm on a slow Saturday.
So we are there for probably 90 minutes.
Well Hooters had a policy where the chicks would sit and chat you up. So this chick was having a good time w us 5 young good looking guys.
We get the tab from her and me and Boog are chatting across from each other. The waitress says "this has been bothering me since you walked in." She pinches his skin tag and is pulling his eyebrow. She tugs like 3x (thinking it is lint or fabric) and he smacks her hand and Boog says "yeah Ive been meaning to have that removed"
well we all fucking died. Holy shit his heading was going towards her 3x times she tugged.
Booger on the eye is his full name. We call him Boog

 

[Rebarcock.]

Stories....hmmm, well I don’t want to come off as the “look at me” type guy but I could tell about how I got my bronze star for valor if anyone is interested in it?

Fuck yes man. All stories. I just tell the funny ones.
Please tell me your story. Im Irish and stories are the best medicine.

 

[Rebarcock.]

Stories....hmmm, well I don’t want to come off as the “look at me” type guy but I could tell about how I got my bronze star for valor if anyone is interested in it?

dude im the most not look at me guy, i know you got some good ones
I got a story of Mexicans jumping from 3 stories up and running away. Dirty Myrtle

 

[Chris Farley]

Fuck yes man. All stories. I just tell the funny ones.
Please tell me your story. Im Irish and stories are the best medicine.

So should I tell it here or in the vets thread?

 

[Rebarcock.]

So should I tell it here or in the vets thread?

ID like it here but
whynotboth.gif

I havent served the USA but i have seen a lot. I find telling stories makes me smile. For a couple years I have been afraid of the next boot on my neck killing me.
Ive gone back to my roots on what makes me happy and smiling. I love listening to stories more than telling them.
I always bottle up. Well these stories allow me to express and have fun and feel normal again.

 

[shiv]

@Croot_Overlord can you merge the grocery store thread into this one?
Im such a loser like reading my own stories

Yeah give me a bit and I’ll figure something out

 

[imprimis]

While stationed at Corpus Christi NAS, I was a SAR (Sea Air Rescue) crew member for 2 years. We often just went flying for no good reason just so the pilots got their hours in. At the time, we flew the H-34 (see below). Once we had a man fly with us carrying a "weird" looking square box. We climbed about a mile up over downtown Corpus. Turns out this chap was a photographer and the box was a camera. He was taking pictures of sailors allegedly smoking dope in the bay front park.

We routinely flew up and down Padre Island. One early morning we found a guy and girl having sex in a car with all the doors open. The pilot just hovered above them. Clothes went everywhere and doors shutting in the car. We were low enough to see she was a well adorned young lady.

It was flying up and down the beach that I saw all sorts of sharks swimming among the swimmers. These were huge sharks and the reason I no longer go out past my thighs in the surf.

We flew over the King Ranch often. There were large herds of deer everywhere. Some of the bucks had huge racks.

Corpus was one of the bases Naval Academy Midshipmen came to during the summers. I worked in the base dispensary as a Corpsman...not Corpse Man--thanks Obama. Anyway, one of our doctors sees two Academy guys walking along the street. I'm in my green flight suit and the doctor gives me his piss cutter hat with Lieutenant bars on it. He tells me to put the hat on and go walk towards the Midshipmen. I did. The promptly threw me salutes and I returned them. Everyone inside was laughing. Then, the phone rings and it's time to go flying. I arrive at the flight line and guess who also was there for a flight? Fortunately, I wore my helmet throughout and the Midshipmen never saw my face.

South down Padre Island was a large area of white sand. The pilot was a UT grad (and arrogant prick) and had a white helmet with double longhorn emblems on each side--just like their football helmets. We flew along and he spotted a rabbit in the sand and said lets go kill a rabbit. Off we flew at about 5-6 foot level chasing the rabbit. When it changed directions he spun the helicopter around and went after the rabbit. Eventually the rabbit got exhausted and the pilot say let's go in for the kill. Here we are in a helicopter like below and the pilot tries to squash the rabbit with one of the wheels. We hit the ground, the strut breaks and the helicopter starts to turn on its side so much that I could look out the door and see the blades within a foot of the ground. Had they hit it would have been curtains for us all. Pilot lifts off the ground and we start flying back to NAS Corpus with a dangling wheel and strut. OK, now we have to land this thing. The pilot call out an emergency and the crash trucks are waiting for us. He hovers about 3 feet above the ground and tells both of us crew members to jump out and run away. He gently puts the copter down on the good wheel and then rolls it over to the broken wheel. When it hits the ground the broken strut shoot through the fuselage just behind the pilots head but he does get it landed. I was never asked to testify at any investigation but also never saw that pilot again. The rabbit got away.

I also flew with the Coast Guard on occasion. I have a story or two from that, too.