Official Tell Crootn a Story Thread

[Rebarcock.]

You sir are a master story teller. And don’t believe people when they say booze kills your memory

Irish. Kissed the Blarney stone

 

[MortgageHorn]

fast forward and i turned 40. I wanted to quit smoking. Bet my neighbor i could. The bet was if i failed i had to duck hunt inside our Publix two blocks away.
I lived in a black neighborhood. I was 1st white guy there. My neighbor crooted me to move in.
3 weeks after i quit we are killing apple pie moonshine during yard work starting at 7am. Shitfaced by noon.
I bum a smoke from another guy. Neighbor cold busts me. I am getting ready to duck hunt in Publix. Fuck me.
A drinking buddy is the GM of this location. Big guy larger than life and just a good dude.
So I put on full duck suit. Waders, heavy jacket, gloves etc. My neighbor is army retired. He busts out face camo. I grab my duck call, his kids Nerf gun, a dove stool, and leave my inhibitions at home. Four of us leave flr Publix.
I look like Ive been hunting and get all my gear and start walking in to the store. The other 3 are 10 yards behind me. So i look like in alone.
When the doors whoosh open i swear the entire store looks at me and no one knows what to make of the situation.
I have the duck call in my mouth. Nerf gun slung over right arm dove stool over left shoulder, camo face and a Vietnam floppy camo hat on my head. I walk straight in to middle of produce and set my dove stool beside the corn. Ever one is watching my every move.
I sit down. I start calling ducks. About 15 seconds in i yell MARK and shoot a Nerf towards my imaginary ducks. Missed him. Shoot again. I yell to these guys HEY I GOT A MALLARD! I reach in to my waders and throw a decoy in the middle of the aisle.
My buddies are dying laughing. Falling on the floor.
A mom and toddler come walking by. The kid see the duck and quacks. I yell MARK and shoot the kid. Now the mom sees me and she is laughing her ass off.
About that time my buddy the GM is coming over looking worried about me. He has no idea it is me.
Then as he gets really close he sees my neighbor and buddies laughing. Sees the nerfs and lady laughing. Looks back at me and realizes what is going on. He dies laughing and asks us to leave. Gave the kid the Nerf gun grabbed the stuff and went and finished t the yard work

I'm about to piss my pants

 

[shiv]

 

[Cletusnow]

Shit tons o Wegman’s popping up these parts. Any you midwesterners like?

 

[bigassmoney]

IGA store Bowman SC

Fam used to have hunting/small farm in bowman.
Im 18 but a sophomore in college.
So me and my buddy need some food to cook in the cabin. We always made chili and hot chocolate.
Buy the provisions and leave. No story huh? Wrong.

We get to the cabin. There are pubes or black folk hair all over the meat.disgusting either way. Drive back to IGA ask for manager. A 459lb black lady is managing.
I speak to her and show her the product.
She accuses me of putting them there. No refund. Im livid and yell WHY WOULD I PUT BUTTHOLE HAIRS IN MY OWN GROUND BEEF?
Still refuses refund.
I open the package back up and grab the meat in my hands and sling 1.33lb of BUTTHOLE burger at their front window about 10ft up. It didnt fall down. It stuck.
Felling I had been rewarded w those two window patties I didnt need my $2.60 back anymore

you are the grocery store Greg Newton

 

[Rebarcock.]

So Im a sophomore in college. Have a fake ID. (Gotta couple grocery store ID stories)

Went to visit a girlfriend at a small Presbyterian college in upstate SC. This girl was a straight arrow then went to college.....Friday evening.

We go to whatever shit brand store there was there. Cant remember. The campus was dry so they didnt party much. Buy 75.00 in beer and wine for me and her 3 roommates. One other dude w us. He is a townie nothing in life guy.
I tell all them to stay in my 86 Jimmy while I park on the corner. I cant lose my 21 cover you know?
The little townie cashier is a cutie pie. Probably dead from meth now but in 1992 at 19 she was a wood.
Holy s hit townie is batting her eyes and leaned over showing off her mammorys as i 21 stroll in. 3 case beer couple bottles of strawberry boones. Go up to counter.
Townie: we just got in some new flavors of that wine.
Me: oh yeah what kind? The lady's may like that.
Her: Im nOT sure lets go check.......
Got to the rear swinging door take a right and the hall narrows BC of stock boxes to a corner that is empty .
Me:there's nothing here
Her: YES THERE IS (grabs my hand shoves it down her britches and plants a tongue in my mouth)
Me: ( in mind.....wutwut...go w it)
She drops and starts knobbing my dong. This s hit doesnt happen to me.
Im mean im good looking and all but sheltered back then i guess.
Couple min in she pops up drops trouser,grabs cock, inserts, rides while screaming. I put my hands over her mouth she is bellowing.
Im looking around wondering how I went from buying drinks to plowing. 11 min later I paying for beer and wine. Her creampie was a no charge.
Get out to the Jimmy.
Girlfriend:what took so long? We thought you got busted.
Me: I didnt think I was that long.
2 blow jobs and lays that night by the nice lady's of Laurens SC

 

[Rebarcock.]

My best friend got expelled from our school 2x. HOlds the record for most detentions in a year still. Buddy 1

His family life was different than mine. Divorced parents who were hippies. Dad was a corrupt cop/mom a pillbilly nurse.
His mom sends us to little ceasers to buy a pizza for us. (4 of us. Still buddies 35 yrs later)
She gives him a check.
I couldnt drive. 14 and in a cast w hinges up to my hip. Our other buddy (not hanging out now is developmentally delayed. Slight tard but you cant tell until you interact.Buddy2) (He later sold crack and is on his 3rd strike. Now is born again and a waiter at the Colonial Life Center USCjr basketball supercenter)

B2 drives a beautiful 66 light blue Mustang
He pulls up to little ceasers just as we are. It is next door to bilo.
Tell B1 Im going to see if i can swipe any booze for our hangout.
B1&B2 buy 2 pizzas each . you know...pizza pizza
I go in to bilo and put in my cast at My thigh 4 bottles of MD2020. One for each of us and we got a tad of Mexican brick. We will be set for fun.
I crutch around as Im heading to the right to leave there is my ol Nemesis Mr Loss Prevention DRAT IM BUSTED.
B1 &B2 are coming in to bilo and see me getting interrogated. They come through the doors.
Mr LP is trying to figure out how to grab sub 5ft kid w a 100lb cast and crutches and handle him without damaging more.
B1 is a evil genius. (Believe it or not Im actually the good lawful one) he looks at Be2 and says "that dude is a child molester trying to kidnap Rebarcock!"
B2 (takes tae kwan dope to help release pent up tard energy. Always had a mouth guard in his pocket like a football type)
B2 hands B1 one of the pizzas, puts mouth guard in his mouth, opens other pizza box (think hot steaming pizza) with a primal gutteral grunt/screams NO GET OFF REBARCOCK YOU FUGKING FAGGOT!
I see B2 coming and lean back.
B2 plants a hot pizza on the face, neck, shoulders, upper torso of Mr LP. Mr LP did not see it coming as he focused on me. The hot steaming cheese , pepperoni, and sauce make this guy look like a low budget horror film
It is dripping on and off him at the same time. I cannot understand what is happening. What is going on?
Mr LP is screaming obscenities and whining about the pizza burning him. As he wipes each stroke he moves the hot sauce and cheese all over his upper body exasperating
the condition. As im mezmorized by this screaming cheese monster,B2 grabs my arm. "Come on Rebar run!"
I could really move on crutches. 4.35 40 type display. His top is down on the Mustang.
I flop over the door to the back seat(cant fit in front BC of cast. B1 jumps in his tempo and peels out. We peel out in a 66 Mustang Convertible 289 V8 automatic in style.

I heard through the grape vine MR LP went on workers comp for 6months. He used that time to begin a insurance career, and now owns a successful midsize insurance company in Columbia SC. Funny he just needed a push in that direction and God used us to push him that way

Lol

 

[shiv]

My best friend got expelled from our school 2x. HOlds the record for most detentions in a year still. Buddy 1

His family life was different than mine. Divorced parents who were hippies. Dad was a corrupt cop/mom a pillbilly nurse.
His mom sends us to little ceases to buy a pizza for us. (4 of us. Still buddies 35 yrs later)
She gives him a check.
I couldnt drive. 14 and in a cast w hinges up to my hip. Our other buddy (not hanging out now is developmentally delayed. Slight tard but you cant tell until you interact.Buddy2) (He later sold crack and is on his 3rd strike. Now is born again and a waiter at the Colonial Life Center USCjr basketball supercenter)

B2 drives a beautiful 66 light blue Mustang
He pulls up to little ceases just as we are. It is next door to bilo.
Tell B1 Im going to see if i can swipe any booze for our hangout.
B1&B2 buy 2 pizzas each . you know...pizza pizza
I go in to bilo and put in my cast at My thigh 4 bottles of MD2020. One for each of us and we got a tad of Mexican brick. We will be set for fun.
I crutch around as Im heading to the right to leave there is my ol Nemesis Mr Loss Prevention DRAT IM BUSTED.
B1 &B2 are coming in to bilo and see me getting interrogated. They come through the doors.
Mr LP is trying to figure out how to grab sub 5ft kid w a 100lb cast and crutches and handle him without damaging more.
B1 is a evil genius. (Believe it or not Im actually the good lawful one) he looks at Be2 and says "that dude is a child molester trying to kidnap Rebarcock!"
B2 (takes tae kwan does to help release pent up tard energy. Always had a mouth guard in his pocket like a football type)
B2 hands B1 one of the pizzas, puts mouth guard in his mouth, opens other pizza box (think hot steaming pizza) with a primal gutteral grunt/screams NO GET OFF REBARCOCK YOU FUGKING FAGGOT!
I see B2 coming and lean back.
B2 plants a hot pizza on the face, neck, shoulders, upper torso of Mr LP. Mr LP did not see it coming as he focused on me. The hot steaming cheese , pepperoni, and sauce make this guy look like a low budget horror film
It is dripping on and off him at the same time. I cannot understand what is happening. What is going on?
Mr LP is screaming obscenities and whining about the pizza burning him. As he wipes each stroke he moves the hot sauce and cheese all over his upper body exasperating
the condition. As im mezmorized by this screaming cheese monster,B2 grabs my arm. "Come on Rebar run!"
I could really move on crutches. 4.35 40 type display. His top is down on the Mustang.
I flop over the door to the back seat(cant fit in front BC of cast. B1 jumps in his tempo and peels out. We peel out in a 66 Mustang Convertible 289 V8 automatic in style.

I heard through the grape vine MR LP went on workers comp for 6months. He used that time to begin a insurance career, and now owns a successful midsize insurance company in Columbia SC. Funny he just needed a push in that direction and God used us to push him that way

Lol

Holy shit brother this might be the best one yet and that says a lot!

Tae Keon do to release pent up tard energy lol. Sounds like the grown up version of nascardawgs nose guard

 

[Rebarcock.]

Backround

So my brothers corrupted me at a young age. At 4 yr old they had me breaking and entering places. I was their little thieving monkey. I just wanted them to love me.
Im 9 yr old. Just found a Christmas salvation army kettle w a bad kid who was fun


Outskirts of Columbia. Bilo has a no solicitation policy. Then i didnt know what that word meant.
All we knew was we needed money to carry out some other dumb master plan we had. Probably fireworks or something like that.

Me and buddy go to rite aid get poster board and make a terrible donation bboard announcement w crayons.

I had the bell from moms Christmas decorations and buddy had the kettle. We start clanging the bell and begging for money. You know like soliciting
Que the manager.
Manager:yall cant be here soliciting
Me: we've never solicited in our lives. We are helpind salvation army I said matter of factly
Im still clanging moms Christmas bell he grabs it.
Me:give that back
Manager:yall are stealing
Me these people are free to give or not.
Manager: Im calling the cops

Well my buddy was 11
Big kid. At 11 he was bigger than the manager. When you are a small kid it is smart and prudent to have big buddies. This kid went on to play for WVU or Marshall if I remember correctly.
Kid grabs the kettle and crow hopped swung
Mr Bilo manager is now on the ground with change rolling all around him.
I until then had never seen carnage like this in person.
That was some shot to his ear. wow.
We take off.
Got like 25.00 out of it.
A wk or so later. Mom and i are in that store. I look up to the managers porch (old grocery store) dude is staring me down w eyes of fire and fury. Never said a word out loud
Edit
The next year my mom couldnt figure out what SHE did with the bell. Please Don t any one narc me out. Ive never told anyone about this story

 

[Rebarcock.]

Holy shit brother this might be the best one yet and that says a lot!

Tae Keon do to release pent up tard energy lol. Sounds like the grown up version of nascardawgs nose guard

all of this has happened. The only alterations are omissions or old age memories turning good frim bad

 

[shiv]

@Rebarcock in this thread:

 

[Rebarcock.]

Harris Teeter
From here out known as harry peter

Damn near all my buddies are still my buddies. This guy is the son of a SC politician. Politician divorced his mom and blew him off til we were in our 20s.
This is when we are somewhere 17-19.

Everyone knows in Columbia harry peter gets the milfs. They flock there BC it is clean well lit and new. We went there for action.

So in 1991ish big hair is still in. This Mom who was gorgeous had and even better looking daughter our age w her. There are 3 of us.
Buddy 1 is politicians kid. B1
Buddy 2 is another best friend B2

B1 sees them first. He makes it clear he is googoo gaga over the daughter. We are making rounds up and down the aisles checking out these ladies. After 5min they kinda know. They change their walking style and each start fiddling w their hair and flipping it. Stuff like that.

Well we all went to Catholic grade school together. We know how to make some bust ass w just a toe. (You know what is coming but you Don t really. ok?)

B1 has completely let his guard down and is drooling at these ladies. I tell B2, you trip him right when he rounds the corner.
As the ladies went up a row we would come from the next door aisle and just shadowed them. On the last one we changed so we would see them face to face instead of following them.
I tell B1 to give me the cart. He does. He doesnt need the cart hassle he wants to be first to see mom and her daughter as we round the corner. I holler to B1 just as we are gonna round the corner and push the cart at him B2 pulls a Kobra Kai leg sweep just as he jogs to miss the cart rounding the top.
I shout "EAT YOUR PUSSY MA'AM?!"
B1 is on the ground. Mom and beautiful daughter are looking straight down on him.
As he went down I shouted. He rolled over. Face as red as a MAGA hat. Me and B2 pass the aisle and look at the ladies watching B1 roll over and stutter red faced "I...I....I...I..mmm...I.am so......i am so sorry.
About that time they look up and me and B2 are piss pants laughing. The grins on those ladies at that moment expressed absolute joy.
B1 took 3 attempts to get up.
First two he fell back down.
B1 was so mad he wanted to fight us both outside. We just kept running circles and zig zags in the parking lot lot til he pooped out. Keep in mind he hit hard and was limping and bruised up on his knee.

As we are galloping around B2s jeep the ladies come out on the same side of grocery store. I shout it again! He looks and sees them..."sorry my friends are asshole just keep walking"
This was a great time. Helps if you saw it but still a great story

 

[TJHall1]

My best friend got expelled from our school 2x. HOlds the record for most detentions in a year still. Buddy 1

His family life was different than mine. Divorced parents who were hippies. Dad was a corrupt cop/mom a pillbilly nurse.
His mom sends us to little ceasers to buy a pizza for us. (4 of us. Still buddies 35 yrs later)
She gives him a check.
I couldnt drive. 14 and in a cast w hinges up to my hip. Our other buddy (not hanging out now is developmentally delayed. Slight tard but you cant tell until you interact.Buddy2) (He later sold crack and is on his 3rd strike. Now is born again and a waiter at the Colonial Life Center USCjr basketball supercenter)

B2 drives a beautiful 66 light blue Mustang
He pulls up to little ceasers just as we are. It is next door to bilo.
Tell B1 Im going to see if i can swipe any booze for our hangout.
B1&B2 buy 2 pizzas each . you know...pizza pizza
I go in to bilo and put in my cast at My thigh 4 bottles of MD2020. One for each of us and we got a tad of Mexican brick. We will be set for fun.
I crutch around as Im heading to the right to leave there is my ol Nemesis Mr Loss Prevention DRAT IM BUSTED.
B1 &B2 are coming in to bilo and see me getting interrogated. They come through the doors.
Mr LP is trying to figure out how to grab sub 5ft kid w a 100lb cast and crutches and handle him without damaging more.
B1 is a evil genius. (Believe it or not Im actually the good lawful one) he looks at Be2 and says "that dude is a child molester trying to kidnap Rebarcock!"
B2 (takes tae kwan dope to help release pent up tard energy. Always had a mouth guard in his pocket like a football type)
B2 hands B1 one of the pizzas, puts mouth guard in his mouth, opens other pizza box (think hot steaming pizza) with a primal gutteral grunt/screams NO GET OFF REBARCOCK YOU FUGKING FAGGOT!
I see B2 coming and lean back.
B2 plants a hot pizza on the face, neck, shoulders, upper torso of Mr LP. Mr LP did not see it coming as he focused on me. The hot steaming cheese , pepperoni, and sauce make this guy look like a low budget horror film
It is dripping on and off him at the same time. I cannot understand what is happening. What is going on?
Mr LP is screaming obscenities and whining about the pizza burning him. As he wipes each stroke he moves the hot sauce and cheese all over his upper body exasperating
the condition. As im mezmorized by this screaming cheese monster,B2 grabs my arm. "Come on Rebar run!"
I could really move on crutches. 4.35 40 type display. His top is down on the Mustang.
I flop over the door to the back seat(cant fit in front BC of cast. B1 jumps in his tempo and peels out. We peel out in a 66 Mustang Convertible 289 V8 automatic in style.

I heard through the grape vine MR LP went on workers comp for 6months. He used that time to begin a insurance career, and now owns a successful midsize insurance company in Columbia SC. Funny he just needed a push in that direction and God used us to push him that way

Lol

 

[Rebarcock.]

This was a crazy one i participated in/ witnessed. Scared me to death.

I think it was A&P but it mighta been Piggly Wiggly. (Some people call it Hawgly Wawgly whick i always laughed about)

Im prob 16 at the time no cast and taking tae kwan dope w my tardy Pal to help rehab my leg. Stretching and building up leg strength is crucial after a severe femur compound fracture.

It is summer ish about 820pm just left Master Moorland's class and the dojo. Me and the mustang tard (from here out referred to as Stang)
Well Stang is all really tight w money. So we cant go to the circle K for Gatorade we go to the grocery store BC it is cheaper.
Off course I gotta make a loop thru to survey if there is any talent.
(Just remembered it was in foodlion by dojo)
So we hit the deli area where they had colder drinks than on the shelf.
I grab mine and start trudging around feeling good post Kung Fu session.

There is a guy slamming grapes. Well I hate this kinda shit. I know, I know what Rebarcock you can steal but slamming grapes is wrong? Yes. I dont know why I have this glitch but yes.

So I mention to uncle Jesse maybe he should go easy on the produce. Well Uncle Jesse just decides he was gonna show me and popped in a good six or eight grapes.
Idgaf really i mean it is just grapes.
I turn a different way to scope out the ladies.
Uncle Jesse stumbles over swatting at me. I think Im about to use my new ninja skills and go Bo and Luke Duke on him.
He has his hands around his throat.
I HOLLER
FUCK THIS GUY IS CHOCKING!
Dude was a bigger guy.6ft+,250 country ass. Im 5ft4in and could barely get my arms around him.
I holler
need help man chocking
Out of no where or the clouds i Don t know, a got damn Doctor. He tries to Heimlich the dude. Does not work.
Uncle Jesse at this time, is not long on the Earth color of purple.
He is laying on the floor now
I swear he pulled out a craftsman old timer pocket knife and a Bic pen off his shirt pocket. Hands me the pen says open it.
He pulls out his hanky and does a tracheotomy on the guy grabs the pen shoves it in the hole. And keeps his hanky around it. The dude starts breathing through the Bic pen.
The Dr and Uncle Jesse rustle up and haul ass Id guess to the hospital.
At this moment im standing there looking at blood on the floor. I compose my self and pray the guy makes it.
No idea if he did or not but I like to think he did and never again ate grapes at the store again

.

 

[Rebarcock.]

Go on

Have I gone on enough or should I dig ddeeper? Im actually having fun telling these. I make a point not to look down memory lane. My whole life is a grocery store

 

[Rebarcock.]

That is perfect GIF placement.
I feel like that was the last straw for that guy to make some life changes. Im glad i could help in such a small way

 

[Rebarcock.]

So my evil buddy from they pizza story and I were bored.
He got to our HS for being evil.
Catholic HS is not a good place to send evil super genius type kids.

So my freshmen yr my leg is broke and we are sitting around his grandparents house.
His Gramps was a war hero.
We are rummaging through his garage trying to find something to Fu ck with. It was boring summer time for kids.
We find a wooden box nailed shut no way to open it.
Well me and (lets call him Grim)Grim have opposable thumbs and have little regard for boundarys.
We get it open. I wish we hadn't.
It is got damn Nazi gear. Just like s hit Charlie had on in Always Sunny. Well that suit didnt fit us. We are both short and back then tiny. But we were at heart opportunists.
What could we do.......
Back then Grim would be what we called a sling head. Grim's hair was black.
He puts on all khacki pants and button down khacki shirt. He is already an evil black haired sling head so he has black army boots.
Grim pastes his hair down w vaseline to look like da fürher. At this time while still at his house Im telling him bad idea.
ABORT ABORT
Nope. Grim is 15 and thinks this is a fine idea to Fu ck w people.
We put the khacki clothes in a bag and start walking to the store. Behind the piggly wiggly he changes into his brown shirt gear.
Im lagging behind. I dont want want to participate.
He walks around and a WWII guy has just got out of his Lincoln Town car w fins. The Vet takes a double look. He can tell this is a dumb ass little kid. He starts walking towards Grim. Grim is about to do the salute. The Vet says (Im walking up now. Like i said I was lagging)
Vet: Boy wtf are you thinking?
grim: uh i dunno. Just bored and wanna mess w people.
Vet: Son, get that shit out of your hair and go home and think about this again.
Grim Yes Sir.
He changed we left and went home.
Grimm is now a liberal anarchist who is a middle manager
Edit
There is a follow up story when Grim did wear the suit. I do not like it

 

[Wait What]

Have I gone on enough or should I dig ddeeper? Im actually having fun telling these. I make a point not to look down memory lane. My whole life is a grocery store

 

[CurtOFD78]

Always like Publix. We've had Winn Dixie and a few Albertsons (now gone) in the area. I have always liked the customer service at Publix and the stores seem cleaner. I'm willing to drive past other grocery stores for the service at Publix.

 

[Peach-head]

Used to grab a case of beer and just throw money on the counter at gas stations and run out in HS. That’s all I got.

 

[9Mounties07]

So there we are me and Mom in Fresh market. Im a sophomore. Leg in cast and on crutches. We are shopping either turkey day or pre Christmas. I had a butt cut w long hair in the back. I was a couple days out of second surgery on my leg. Pain pills flowing through me.
As we are walking in a poor guy starts begging my Mom and starts being aggressive. Im the youngest of four. Always small but had a fire inside. My Mom starts screaming the guy is trying to steel her purse.i was a couple hops in front so i didnt see this. But i turned around and my Mom was scared. I grab my crutch by the bottom and swing at the hobo.
I hit him w the arm pit crutch corner at 80 mph going from left to right(i swing leftie) dead nuts on the chin. It was a home run. Dude buckled knocked cold out. His old lady jumps from behind a coke machine. I raise my crutch at here and she takes off towards the post office.
Mom went in the store, called the law. He went to jail and the town cop Officer Tetter later told me they wired his mouth shut.
Sadly Mom doesnt remember this one anymore. I tried to laugh about it on thanksgiving and she didnt remember at all.
I was still a hero that day

Lol. More

 

[Cletusnow]

My best friend got expelled from our school 2x. HOlds the record for most detentions in a year still. Buddy 1

His family life was different than mine. Divorced parents who were hippies. Dad was a corrupt cop/mom a pillbilly nurse.
His mom sends us to little ceasers to buy a pizza for us. (4 of us. Still buddies 35 yrs later)
She gives him a check.
I couldnt drive. 14 and in a cast w hinges up to my hip. Our other buddy (not hanging out now is developmentally delayed. Slight tard but you cant tell until you interact.Buddy2) (He later sold crack and is on his 3rd strike. Now is born again and a waiter at the Colonial Life Center USCjr basketball supercenter)

B2 drives a beautiful 66 light blue Mustang
He pulls up to little ceasers just as we are. It is next door to bilo.
Tell B1 Im going to see if i can swipe any booze for our hangout.
B1&B2 buy 2 pizzas each . you know...pizza pizza
I go in to bilo and put in my cast at My thigh 4 bottles of MD2020. One for each of us and we got a tad of Mexican brick. We will be set for fun.
I crutch around as Im heading to the right to leave there is my ol Nemesis Mr Loss Prevention DRAT IM BUSTED.
B1 &B2 are coming in to bilo and see me getting interrogated. They come through the doors.
Mr LP is trying to figure out how to grab sub 5ft kid w a 100lb cast and crutches and handle him without damaging more.
B1 is a evil genius. (Believe it or not Im actually the good lawful one) he looks at Be2 and says "that dude is a child molester trying to kidnap Rebarcock!"
B2 (takes tae kwan dope to help release pent up tard energy. Always had a mouth guard in his pocket like a football type)
B2 hands B1 one of the pizzas, puts mouth guard in his mouth, opens other pizza box (think hot steaming pizza) with a primal gutteral grunt/screams NO GET OFF REBARCOCK YOU FUGKING FAGGOT!
I see B2 coming and lean back.
B2 plants a hot pizza on the face, neck, shoulders, upper torso of Mr LP. Mr LP did not see it coming as he focused on me. The hot steaming cheese , pepperoni, and sauce make this guy look like a low budget horror film
It is dripping on and off him at the same time. I cannot understand what is happening. What is going on?
Mr LP is screaming obscenities and whining about the pizza burning him. As he wipes each stroke he moves the hot sauce and cheese all over his upper body exasperating
the condition. As im mezmorized by this screaming cheese monster,B2 grabs my arm. "Come on Rebar run!"
I could really move on crutches. 4.35 40 type display. His top is down on the Mustang.
I flop over the door to the back seat(cant fit in front BC of cast. B1 jumps in his tempo and peels out. We peel out in a 66 Mustang Convertible 289 V8 automatic in style.

I heard through the grape vine MR LP went on workers comp for 6months. He used that time to begin a insurance career, and now owns a successful midsize insurance company in Columbia SC. Funny he just needed a push in that direction and God used us to push him that way

Lol

 

[9Mounties07]

Shit tons o Wegman’s popping up these parts. Any you midwesterners like?

Best there is...best there will ever be

 

[Rebarcock.]

Used to grab a case of beer and just throw money on the counter at gas stations and run out in HS. That’s all I got.

I got a story for that but not for here. Not yet

It involves yahoo

 

[shiv]

I got a story for that but not for here. Not yet

Page 4?

 

[Rebarcock.]

In SC you used to not be able to buy beer on Sunday. Blue laws
Well 15 yr old me didnt think about the implications this has on bums, hobos,or drunks.
We knew Carl the bum a long time. When I was 13 we found him living in a tent on Hermit Hill. We used him as our acquisition apparatus. (He bought underage kids beer for a cut of what he bought. We got 10/12 us/him.)

I am just going into the same Kroger as the bike throwing story. My brother is driving us home from Mass, it is probably 1030am maybe a tad earlier .
As we pull in the parking lot I see my old Acquisition Partner Carl the bum doing a hobo two step into the store.
Well Im a polite kid so I get a Lil hussle on to say hello to him.
He is well in the store and i cant tell where he went. So i figure he is going to steal beer. Nope not there. Maybe wine? Nope.
Well now I am damn curious where carl the bum ghosted to ninja style. I start checking aisles.
I hit the toothpaste aisle. Why the fuck is Carl here? He doesnt brush his tooth.
As I am walking from the front end of the store i see Carl the bum drop to kneel.
With one choreographed move he pulled the top on a giant mouth wash and put it to his lips the just flip his head up and when it hit the mouth it was afterburner down the gullet
In 6 seconds he polished off a quart of burning alcohol fused listerine.
Im get to him as he finishes. He looks at me and has tears in his eyes. (He worked hard to be an alcoholic)
I learned two things that day.
1) listerine used to have 20% alcohol and worked in a pinch like peppermint schnapps

2) innovation and persistence can outperform anything if you are willing to put in blood, sweat, or tears

Edit
Before this one day me and the kid from bike story hiked up hermit hill to get Carl the bum to buy us beer at 830-9am. He was pissed we woke him up.
He grabbed a stick of warm butter bites it and eats it paper and all.
Appalled i asked why did he do that?!
Carl the bum explained it keeps beer foam at bay in your gut early in the morning.
I admit I have used this trick for early tailgates or fishing trips as i got older.
Thanks Carl the bum

 

[RonwellQuincyDobbs]

I have a couple great grocery store stories. A couple terrible ones too.
Most from myrtle beach

Myrtle Beach is the place of great stories...and terrible stories as well! Can't wait to hear these about the grocery stores!

*At the recommendation of @Wait What I am here to check out the thread!

Edit: Great recommendation, would read again! @Rebarcock. you are a fucking legend! We would have some crazy times back in my partying days. Those, unfortunately, only come about 6-7 times a year. I have to limit my drinking or I'll definitely ended up losing my wife and kids

 

[catfishpunter]

This thread is the greatest one man show I can remember on the boards. Keep 'em coming.

 

[Rebarcock.]

Been working since 6am today. So prob not more than this Today and i will slow down to maybe a story or two a day. This is the home stretch

Well since Im not getting any help beach stories come early.

Moved to myrtle beach when i was 22 (1995) to start steel business w my dad.
My Dad was a big time CEO that didnt need to work again. Just wanted to and had a great idea.

Dad and I went to Sam's club every Sunday after church. Chicken, rice, beans, for dinner every meal at home. Ham sandwiches for lunch every day. Bought the bread at Merita discount day old bread store. It sucked

So we go in to Sams grab our cart and we are doing our thing. Dad was a tall guy 6ft2. He is squinty eyed staring at something. I see this look over and there is a guy stealing Sam s club jeans. Well Dad cannot let this injustice stand. I beg Dad to differ to
Mr Loss Prevention but nope Dad has his Dirty Harry hat on.
He pushes the cart and me over towards the guy.
Dad: excuse me Sir, you gotta pay for those
Crook: Fu ck off ol man.
Dad never said the F word around me to that point ever. He did not take kindly to people swearing Willy nilly.
Dad: Sir if you Don t put those back now , you WILL be going to jail
Crook: Fu ck you man Fu ck off.
Dad did not like not being taken seriously. He had just got canned in a large acquisition of the steel mills he ran. 2k people used to jump when he said jump. He wasn't to take shit off a grifter pants thief.
Dad loses the cart and is now walking towards the guy.
Dad:Sir, i am placing you under citizens arrest.
This got the crooks attention. The crook turns looks at my Dad and RUNS!
It was like a kitten trying to escape a Pitt bull room. Him and my Dad are over her,over there,back that way, now over there again.
About this time a large man w a security coat is heading in to the game.
They are both chasing the crook.
The whole time Im right there w them just to make sure the dude doesnt try to blade my Dad.
The crook gets just out the front on sidewalk my Dad on his ass and security a second behind. As my Dad is going out of the store and old church lady was pushing a cart out w all her stuff. Dad nicely bumps the lady out the way, grabs her cart and pushes it towards the fleeing jeans thief.
Like a scene out of that bowling movie w woody harrelson and crazy Quaid the cart zips across the parking lot and slams the crook on his heel as he was running away.
The crook is on the ground writhing around after his face plant.
Security man jumps on the guy.
Crook lost a couple teeth and had a broken ankle and went to jail. Sam s security couldnt believe what Dad had done to stop the thief.
4 weeks in a row we got free chicken,rice, beans, and sandwich ham but we still had to buy day old bread.

 

[Sgfeer]

Shit tons o Wegman’s popping up these parts. Any you midwesterners like?

Rochester NY based, once you go there, you'll never want to go anywhere else

 

[imprimis]

In HS, I worked at the local Tom Thumb grocery store in NE Dallas. One evening, a female shopper got into a dispute with the assistant manager. She left saying her husband would be calling. 10-15 minutes later, a man called the store and asked to speak with the assistant manager. There were heated words said with the husband saying he was coming to the store. As we closed and locked the store and walking into the parking lot, there was a huge man (6'6") standing by his car asking who the assistant manager (5'6") was. They exchanged word but no fists. The husband was George Andre, DE for the Dallas Cowboys.

 

[Rebarcock.]

In HS, I worked at the local Tom Thumb grocery store in NE Dallas. One evening, a female shopper got into a dispute with the assistant manager. She left saying her husband would be calling. 10-15 minutes later, a man called the store and asked to speak with the assistant manager. There were heated words said with the husband saying he was coming to the store. As we closed and locked the store and walking into the parking lot, there was a huge man (6'6") standing by his car asking who the assistant manager (5'6") was. They exchanged word but no fists. The husband was George Andre, DE for the Dallas Cowboys.

I have found grocery store guys are either bad ass or not. There is no in between.
Maybe ill tell the football player story tonight

 

[Thasubliminal]

Old Quality Dairy at Michigan State always had the beer coolers right by the back doors - like most small convenience stores. When I was a freshman, I would routinely wait for it to be crowded on a Friday night and just walk in the front, walk right to the coolers, grab 2 cases of beer and walk right out the back door. Would take about 60 seconds.

 

[Rebarcock.]

Forklift fixer guy is here so i got a little time.

Enjoy.
So i grew up in Columbia from 8-22. I knew everyone in the city and am likeable so i had a place in 100s of circles.
I am a sophomore in college 19 w a fake ID.
Well one of my buddies is a walk on at USCjr. He is good friends w a guy on the team who is a giant.(went on to play nfl for over a decade and now is a head coach of a HS powerhouse. Super great man and a hunting buddy)
We have spring break and the football team guys are ready to go hard. My family had a beach house across the street from the beach. It was party time.
I always drove. Still do. Hate not being in control of the wheel or when i come or go. So we head to the beach in my 86Jimmy and have 3 cars following. Im burning but most everyone else is drinking. Columbia to myrtle is a 2 HR drive so most everyone primed up as we get in to town. Where hwy544 hits hwy17(main Rd at the beach) there used to be a Kroger. We all know already i hate Kroger. But it is right there and on the way so Kroger it is.
Each car had 3-4 people in it and each person has a cart to get a weeks provisions and beer. (We bought liquor in cola) well me, walk on, and football giant man are running laps and everyone is acting like college kids day buzzed having good clean fun. No one is acting shitty it is the first day of SPRING BREAK 1992! Giant has two carts slam full BC he has to eat like 10k calories a day.
Well I m over at the deli waiting on meat slicing and Giant is looking at their sweet counter and walk on in between us.(walk on went to grade school and high school w all of us)
This nice young new Mother is buying a Baptism cake for her new child. How beautiful a moment for her right?
Well the Kroger deli had been having turnover and they bring a little Aynor(redneck hard core area. Still has klan) fag over from meat cutting to help in the deli. He didnt want to be in the deli and was very poor interacting w customers. The lady says
"I want it to say: Happy Baptism Day Maria
Easy enough right? Nope. Aynor is a dumbfuck and a bean pole w a scraggly mustache about 5ft2. He writes on the cake:
I want it to say happy baptism day Maria.
What a dip s hit.
So Mother sees this and says it is wrong. She is flustered BC she is on the way to the church and doesnt have time to kill. We are all watching but really just waiting our turn at this point.
So Aynor gets all shitting and starts talking smack to the new young Mother. Well now all 3 of us are very interested as we always help people in their time of need.
Aynor is berating this women even though she did nothing
Giant chimes in
Giant: hey buddy Don t talk to her like that go get another cake and do it right for her.
Aynor: mind you own business
Giant: your mistake is costing me time. I am now part of this.
Aynor:you aint s hit. Get out of my store
The cake is on top of the counter which for normal people is chest high. For Giant it was at his waist.
Giant:get the fucking cake and do your job or i will make you do it.
Aynor leans up to the counter and confidently says "yeah watcha gonna do?"
Giant with just his right arm snatches the guy by the neck lifts him over the counter and places his ass and back on the opened up cake. Aynor is trying to scream but cant BC Giant has him by the throat. Giant slides Aynor up and down the counter as he flails in the cake box. This all happened in less than 30 seconds.
Me being a life long hooligan,knows, we gotta GTFO fast.
Giant lets go and Aynor grabs his own throat and starts shrieking like a cat getting fucked hard. We all leave our carts and are about to bolt. As we turn to run Walk on says to Mother "there is a foodlion down the road with cakes" (lol) The other carloads of peple do not see any of this. They just see us run out the front sprinting. Well we have always been friends. They all start running out the store also. So 12-14 full grown men all just bolted out the store in a minute.

Add on:
We go to the foodlion 2 miles down hwy17 and resume shopping as we tell the other cars what happened. Well in walk Mother and Maria. She thanks us and tells us how great we were. She buys her cake we get provisions and had a great SPRING BREAK 1992!

 

[Quatch$]

Myrtle Beach is the place of great stories...and terrible stories as well! Can't wait to hear these about the grocery stores!

*At the recommendation of @Wait What I am here to check out the thread!

Edit: Great recommendation, would read again! @Rebarcock. you are a fucking legend! We would have some crazy times back in my partying days. Those, unfortunately, only come about 6-7 times a year. I have to limit my drinking or I'll definitely ended up losing my wife and kids

Avatar checks out

 

[Quatch$]

Forklift fixer guy is here so i got a little time.

Enjoy.
So i grew up in Columbia from 8-22. I knew everyone in the city and am likeable so i had a place in 100s of circles.
I am a sophomore in college 19 w a fake ID.
Well one of my buddies is a walk on at USCjr. He is good friends w a guy on the team who is a giant.(went on to play nfl for over a decade and now is a head coach of a HS powerhouse. Super great man and a hunting buddy)
We have spring break and the football team guys are ready to go hard. My family had a beach house across the street from the beach. It was party time.
I always drove. Still do. Hate not being in control of the wheel or when i come or go. So we head to the beach in my 86Jimmy and have 3 cars following. Im burning but most everyone else is drinking. Columbia to myrtle is a 2 HR drive so most everyone primed up as we get in to town. Where hwy544 hits hwy17(main Rd at the beach) there used to be a Kroger. We all know already i hate Kroger. But it is right there and on the way so Kroger it is.
Each car had 3-4 people in it and each person has a cart to get a weeks provisions and beer. (We bought liquor in cola) well me, walk on, and football giant man are running laps and everyone is acting like college kids day buzzed having good clean fun. No one is acting shifty it is the first day of SPRING BREAK 1992! Giant has two carts slam full BC he has to eat like 10k calories a day.
Well I m over at the deli waiting on meat slicing and Giant is looking at their sweet counter and walk on in between us.(walk on went to grade school and high school w all of us)
This nice young new Mother is buying a Baptism cake for her new child. How beautiful a moment for her right?
Well the Kroger deli had been having turnover and they bring a little Aynor(redneck hard core area. Still has klan) fag over from meat cutting to help in the deli. He didnt want to be in the deli and was very poor interacting w customers. The lady says
"I want it to say: Happy Baptism Day Maria
Easy enough right? Nope. Aynor is a dumbfuck and a bean pole w a scraggly mustache about 5ft2. He writes on the cake:
I want it to say happy baptism day Maria.
What a dip s hit.
So Mother sees this and says it is wrong. She is flustered BC she is on the way to the church and doesnt have time to kill. We are all watching but really just waiting our turn at this point.
So Aynor gets all shitting and starts talking smack to the new young Mother. Well now all 3 of us are very interested as we always help people in their time of need.
Aynor is berating this women even though she did nothing
Giant chimes in
Giant: hey buddy Don t talk to her like that go get another cake and do it right for her.
Aynor: mind you own business
Giant: your mistake is costing me time. I am now part of this.
Aynor:you aint s hit. Get out of my store
The cake is on top of the counter which for normal people is chest high. For Giant it was at his waist.
Giant:get the fucking cake and do your job or i will make you do it.
Aynor leans up to the counter and confidently says "yeah watcha gonna do?"
Giant with just his right arm snatches the guy by the neck lifts him over the counter and places his ass and back on the opened up cake. Aynor is trying to scream but cant BC Giant has him by the throat. Giant slides Aynor up and down the counter as he flails in the cake box. This all happened in less than 30 seconds.
Me being a life long hooligan,knows, we gotta GTFO fast.
Giant lets go and grabs his own throat and starts shrieking like a cat getting fucked hard. We all leave our carts and are about to bolt. As we turn to run Walk on says to Mother "there is a foodlion down the road with cakes" (lol) The other carloads of peple do not see any of this. They just see us run out the front sprinting. Well we have always been friends. They all start running out the store also. So 10-12 full grown men all just bolted out the store in a minute.

Add on:
We go to the foodlion 2 miles down hwy17 and resume shopping as we tell the other cars what happened. Well in walk Mother and Maria. She thanks us and tells us how great we were. She buys her cake we get provisions and had a great SPRING BREAK 1992!

I love all the nicknames you give. It’s like I know these people myself. Keep em coming. Especially MB ones lol.

 

[Rebarcock.]

I love all the nicknames you give. It’s like I know these people myself. Keep em coming. Especially MB ones lol.

nick names are standard operating procedure in our group.
After the Publix duck hunt i was elmer fludd for a long time.
Only nick name to ever stick on me was Bubbles. Got it in key west. Ill work that beach story in later

 

[RonwellQuincyDobbs]

Avatar checks out

Announcer: Fastball coming right down the middle and @Quatch$ crushes it to deep left annnnndddd it's outta here!

 

[quickfeet]

Awesome thread OP.

It's amazing how interesting you can make benign things with the right perspective. I will never look at grocery stores the same

 

[Rebarcock.]

Still no forklift for me. My loss=yalls gain

*****not a grocery store. Mostly a titty bar*****

Ok key west im 30 or so yr first day in town.


Staying at the Hyatt w Grim /Evil Genius,Sleepy, Slash and me.
Me and evil genius have always been best friends. Sleepy and Slash were 2 yrs behind us in class but ran w the cool kids. Sleepy is exactly as the nick name goes but he also loves strippers, X, and strippers. At this time Sleepy is knocking down 600k a yr. He is also known as Dad amongst us. When Sleepy does talk, you listen.
(Slash is actually living in my new place as he lost his job due to covid)
So we end end up at the Russian titty bar at like 9pm. No idea really but we weren't drunk yet.
So we are all getting dances and having fun. Sleepy is being his normal X/stripper/bourbon self.
Well we went to the Keys bc I wanted to go diving there as me and a girl I was messing with were just certified. So I wanna dive like 3 days out of our 7 days down there.
In 1HR we spent probably 5k on the strippers and are clearly leading the pack in the strip club. All the hot Russian bloc chicks are trying to get our attention hard.
Well it gets to be 10pm or so and im a tad buzzed up and smoked a little. The others are rolling their faces off. I wanted to go diving at 7am the boat launches so I m kinda good behavior.

So I cant find EG or Slash. Which everyone knows is a good thing. So I find Sleepy. I interrupt his action and tell him I m taking off to go to bed so i can dive in the morning.
He begs me not to go but I remain steadfast in my resolve as i really wanna dive in these waters.
So just as I am leaving, one foot out the front door, this petite Russian goddess I was sweet on comes running up behind me...
Russian: wait wait Don t go
Me: I am leaving to go diving in the morning. I have to go to get sleep.
Russian: no no donot go.
So im walking and she leaves the titty bar too walking w me.
(Other stuff happens which yall Don t need to know. Use your vibrant imaginations)
So about 3am maybe a Lil earlier Sleepy,EG, and Slash get home. I Don t hear them.
They come to our hot tub and there is the Russian but no Rebarcock.
They ask Russian how the hell did you get in here. She reaches in the water grabs my hair and pulls me up.
Rebarcock: hey yall did you have fun out?

Sleepy: FUCKING BUBBLES!

It is rare a nickname sticks on me. That one stuck
Edit add on
Sleepy told the Russian to go get me when she followed Ivan the manager made him pay 5k for her leaving. He never said a word about it and i didnt find out til the following fall when we were at the SEC Championship game which is a whole nother atory