Official Tell Crootn a Story Thread

[Rebarcock.]

Rules: If you guys want to keep getting @Rebarcock. stories, you gotta contribute your own in here to keep him inspired.

Read past the milquetoast at the top of thread

I like Publix best but now have to drive by two Harry Peters and two walmarts before i see a Publix. Both are out if the way. Publix is a conservative owned store too.
I hate Kroger since i was 13 and would take wine coolers and later beer n the shitter and knock 6 down in 10 min. Got run out
Funny stories welcome too

 

[America 1st]

I don't shop at any chains but it's always funny to read these theads.

Here in Ohio people would say Kroger

 

[Rebarcock.]

I have a couple great grocery store stories. A couple terrible ones too.
Most from myrtle beach

 

[Quatch$]

I have a couple great grocery store stories. A couple terrible ones too.
Most from myrtle beach

Go on

 

[TJHall1]

I like Publix best but now have to drive by two Harry Peters and two walmarts before i see a Publix. Both are out if the way. Publix is a conservative owned store too.
I hate Kroger since i was 13 and would take wine coolers and later beer n the shitter and knock 6 down in 10 min. Got run out
Funny stories welcome too

 

[Rebarcock.]

Go on

13yr old im in kroger me and a buddy grab a 4 pack of coolers and a six each of Busch light(1986) we carry them to the bathroom in the back of the store. Everyone is working no one in the back. We each drink 2 coolers in two min. Then we each shotgun 4 beers and dump 2 beers in the shtiter so we can crush cans and hide evidence. .(hid bottles on diaper boxes) im maybe 110 lbs and my buddy was 5-9 at 13 but skinny as a rail so prob 115 or so. Before we leave the back we walk up a catwalk where the loss prevention dudes tried to see who was stealing. Get about half way through the store on catwalk and boom there is the loss prevention guy. We scared him to death. He was asleep. We start laughing and running back. He is a grown man chasing to tweedle Dick punks all the way from back of Kroger to outside. We jump on bikes and peddle ass away. My buddy is hammered and busts his ass. Blows out a tire on the side. Im peddling away laughing. My buddy grabbed the bike and threw it at loss prevention. The gear hit the dude in the leg and he busted his ass and started bleeding and screaming he was gonna kill us. We drunkenly went back that evening and climbed on top. Of the Kroger and smoked a pin wheel of brick Mexican
Goodtimes

 

[Quatch$]

13yr old im in kroger me and a buddy grab a 4 pack of coolers and a six each of Busch light(1986) we carry them to the bathroom in the back of the store. Everyone is working no one in the back. We each drink 2 coolers in two min. Then we each shotgun 4 beers and dump 2 beers in the shtiter so we can crush cans and hide evidence. .(hid bottles on diaper boxes) im maybe 110 lbs and my buddy was 5-9 at 13 but skinny as a rail so prob 115 or so. Before we leave the back we walk up a catwalk where the loss prevention dudes tried to see who was stealing. Get about half way through the store on catwalk and boom there is the loss prevention guy. We scared him to death. He was asleep. We start laughing and running back. He is a grown man chasing to tweedle Dick punks all the way from back of Kroger to outside. We jump on bikes and peddle ass away. My buddy is hammered and busts his ass. Blows out a tire on the side. Im peddling away laughing. My buddy grabbed the bike and threw it at loss prevention. The gear hit the dude in the leg and he busted his ass and started bleeding and screaming he was gonna kill us. We drunkenly went back that evening and climbed on top. Of the Kroger and smoked a pin wheel of brick Mexican
Goodtimes

Ho Lee Phuck that is hilarious. I feel like this should be a scene out of a coming of age comedy

 

[Rebarcock.]

same dude 5 yrs later busted another friend stealing balloons at 330am when we were freshmen in college. We were gonna make piss bombs and toss them at these ultra homos dweebs that lived down the road in our first college place.
Loss prevention dude recognized me and let him go. That was pretty cool

Edit we were all shitfaced. Start of our pro careers. OMG to be young

 

[Rebarcock.]

I compound fractured my femur playing football same year. I was fucking hurt bad and the next 3 yrs was always on crutches w casts bigger than me.

So we are in bilo. (I m Catholic and went to Catholic school. I know and love a butt load if retarded people. Only a couple scary ones) well I have a gift of mimick. (Irish) so me and a couple upper classmen from the football team are in there and i start mimicking and dragging both legs and talking w rocks in my mouth. They start trying to get away....the chase was on.
Imagine old ladies trying to help a retard screamin trying to get his older brothers to take him home to his ferret.(I kept yelling for corky my ferret)
8 of us went in together. I was alone leaving. I drug my lame legs out and never broke character. We did donuts in the parking lot and i hung out the window of a old VW bug. Those people didnt know what just happened.
I was 15 then.
I can do this forever. I love grocery stores. Still do. Im 48 now . still Fu ck w everyone and i go red eyed still unless I just left work

I almost never open a package...........

Myrtle beach stories happen on page 4
.

 

[RJ2kWJ]

Why no poll OP? I miss this place from home. HEB blows an Asian dick.



Also miss Publix.

 

[Rebarcock.]

Why no poll OP? I miss this place from home. HEB blows an Asian dick.

View attachment 9841

Also miss Publix.

I have fresh market stories too.

Didnt consider a poll. Never done one. Can I edit this into a poll now?

 

[RJ2kWJ]

13yr old im in kroger me and a buddy grab a 4 pack of coolers and a six each of Busch light(1986) we carry them to the bathroom in the back of the store. Everyone is working no one in the back. We each drink 2 coolers in two min. Then we each shotgun 4 beers and dump 2 beers in the shtiter so we can crush cans and hide evidence. .(hid bottles on diaper boxes) im maybe 110 lbs and my buddy was 5-9 at 13 but skinny as a rail so prob 115 or so. Before we leave the back we walk up a catwalk where the loss prevention dudes tried to see who was stealing. Get about half way through the store on catwalk and boom there is the loss prevention guy. We scared him to death. He was asleep. We start laughing and running back. He is a grown man chasing to tweedle Dick punks all the way from back of Kroger to outside. We jump on bikes and peddle ass away. My buddy is hammered and busts his ass. Blows out a tire on the side. Im peddling away laughing. My buddy grabbed the bike and threw it at loss prevention. The gear hit the dude in the leg and he busted his ass and started bleeding and screaming he was gonna kill us. We drunkenly went back that evening and climbed on top. Of the Kroger and smoked a pin wheel of brick Mexican
Goodtimes

Good to know my buddies and I aren’t the only ones that did the “beer in the back bathroom” routine. Only difference was it wasn’t until I was 15, with Friday evening store was packed practiced, and did it again before my p-SATs. Did so damn well we all ended up shotgunning brews before the actual SAT. Good times OP.

 

[RJ2kWJ]

I have fresh market stories too.

Didnt consider a poll. Never done one. Can I edit this into a poll now?

I’m not sure as if I ever make a thread like this, always make a poll from the get go. Good stuff though.

 

[RJ2kWJ]

And I’m not sure where the bathrooms were in your HS grocery years, no matter which store; Farm Fresh, Food Lion (easiest culprit) etc... they always seemed to be back near the meat lockers and coolers/storage. Made it so easy.

 

[Rebarcock.]

I’m not sure as if I ever make a thread like this, always make a poll from the get go. Good stuff though.

So there we are me and Mom in Fresh market. Im a sophomore. Leg in cast and on crutches. We are shopping either turkey day or pre Christmas. I had a butt cut w long hair in the back. I was a couple days out of second surgery on my leg. Pain pills flowing through me.
As we are walking in a poor guy starts begging my Mom and starts being aggressive. Im the youngest of four. Always small but had a fire inside. My Mom starts screaming the guy is trying to steel her purse.i was a couple hops in front so i didnt see this. But i turned around and my Mom was scared. I grab my crutch by the bottom and swing at the hobo.
I hit him w the arm pit crutch corner at 80 mph going from left to right(i swing leftie) dead nuts on the chin. It was a home run. Dude buckled knocked cold out. His old lady jumps from behind a coke machine. I raise my crutch at here and she takes off towards the post office.
Mom went in the store, called the law. He went to jail and the town cop Officer Tetter later told me they wired his mouth shut.
Sadly Mom doesnt remember this one anymore. I tried to laugh about it on thanksgiving and she didnt remember at all.
I was still a hero that day

 

[RJ2kWJ]

So there we are me and Mom in Fresh market. Im a sophomore. Leg in cast and on crutches. We are shopping either turkey day or pre Christmas. I had a butt cut w long hair in the back. I was a couple days out of second surgery on my leg. Pain pills flowing through me.
As we are walking in a poor guy starts begging my Mom and starts being aggressive. Im the youngest of four. Always small but had a fire inside. My Mom starts screaming the guy is trying to steel her purse.i was a couple hops in front so i didnt see this. But i turned around and my Mom was scared. I grab my crutch by the bottom and swing at the hobo.
I hit him w the arm pit crutch corner at 80 mph going from left to right(i swing leftie) dead nuts on the chin. It was a home run. Dude buckled knocked cold out. His old lady jumps from behind a coke machine. I raise my crutch at here and she takes off towards the post office.
Mom went in the store, called the law. He went to jail and the town cop Officer Tetter later told me they wired his mouth shut.
Sadly Mom doesnt remember this one anymore. I tried to laugh about it on thanksgiving and she didnt remember at all.
I was still a hero that day

The second I read your hobo home run crutch sentence, I immediately thought of this gif, being next to you and watching a chin fly.

 

[Rebarcock.]

The second I read your hobo home run crutch sentence, I immediately thought of this gif, being next to you and watching a chin fly.

View attachment 9843

It was a really special moment. I was a great golfer as a kid

 

[Lethal34fl2]

Order from Walmart for canned stuff, rice and junk for the kids. Order from Publix for fruits and vegetables and some meats but we also get Butcher Box once a month which works out well.

 

[RJ2kWJ]

Order from Walmart for canned stuff, rice and junk for the kids. Order from Publix for fruits and vegetables and some meats but we also get Butcher Box once a month which works out well.

How have the naked Nole workout boys been looking?

Spoiler

Cant lie, saw those fuckers working out and made me super jealous.

 

[TJHall1]

So there we are me and Mom in Fresh market. Im a sophomore. Leg in cast and on crutches. We are shopping either turkey day or pre Christmas. I had a butt cut w long hair in the back. I was a couple days out of second surgery on my leg. Pain pills flowing through me.
As we are walking in a poor guy starts begging my Mom and starts being aggressive. Im the youngest of four. Always small but had a fire inside. My Mom starts screaming the guy is trying to steel her purse.i was a couple hops in front so i didnt see this. But i turned around and my Mom was scared. I grab my crutch by the bottom and swing at the hobo.
I hit him w the arm pit crutch corner at 80 mph going from left to right(i swing leftie) dead nuts on the chin. It was a home run. Dude buckled knocked cold out. His old lady jumps from behind a coke machine. I raise my crutch at here and she takes off towards the post office.
Mom went in the store, called the law. He went to jail and the town cop Officer Tetter later told me they wired his mouth shut.
Sadly Mom doesnt remember this one anymore. I tried to laugh about it on thanksgiving and she didnt remember at all.
I was still a hero that day

I can not stop fucking laughing. Bravo

 

[MortgageHorn]

I hate Kroger since i was 13 and would take wine coolers and later beer n the shitter and knock 6 down in 10 min. Got run out

Love It!

 

[MortgageHorn]

We need a Reality TV show featuring @Rebarcock. We'd get Main-Board Rich!

 

[RJ2kWJ]

We need a Reality TV show featuring @Rebarcock. We'd get Main-Board Rich!

Toss it in the billion dollar idea thread.

 

[Rebarcock.]

We need a Reality TV show featuring @Rebarcock. We'd get Main-Board Rich!

Toss it in the billion dollar idea thread.

I got an old high school buddy living w me who is wat nuttier then me( loss job to covid)

We talked about putting a cam in the den to record us when drinking. There are reasons I Don t leave the house except for work and store. None are house arrest

 

[Kenny Orange Powers]

Kroger has the best commercials though.

 

[Rebarcock.]

A&P same shopping center as fresh market.
Im a senior in hs at 17yr or maybe just graduated.

My 7th grade geography teacher Ms Mitchell a southern belle wanna be is in the store. She taught my bros and sister. They all clashed w her so i was doomed coming up.
She sees me walking down the aisle by bread and looks away. I being the antagonist, walk to nearly beside her and say hello politely.
Me: hey Ms Mitchell haven t seen you in forever
Her: I figured you would be in jail by now.
Me:maybe if you werent such a bitch your husband wouldnt have left you for a waitress.
She loses her shit. Red faced screeching her:HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME!
Me: Fu ck you you ol nasty ill bitch
Her: im gonna call your mother
Me lol you do that talc cunt.

So I get home for dinner.
Mom:got a call from your old teacher Ms Mitchell. She said you were saying nasty and vile things to her.
Me: mom I just told the truth.
Mom: I know Reabarcock. She told me what you said. Made pot roast just for you.(my fav growing up)
Then got a big hug and kiss from Mom

 

[TarCock29]

I think Harris Teeter and Publix are good stores. Kroger isn't bad, whichever is closest would be my favorite of the three.

 

[Rebarcock.]

fast forward and i turned 40. I wanted to quit smoking. Bet my neighbor i could. The bet was if i failed i had to duck hunt inside our Publix two blocks away.
I lived in a black neighborhood. I was 1st white guy there. My neighbor crooted me to move in.
3 weeks after i quit we are killing apple pie moonshine during yard work starting at 7am. Shitfaced by noon.
I bum a smoke from another guy. Neighbor cold busts me. I am getting ready to duck hunt in Publix. Fuck me.
A drinking buddy is the GM of this location. Big guy larger than life and just a good dude.
So I put on full duck suit. Waders, heavy jacket, gloves etc. My neighbor is army retired. He busts out face camo. I grab my duck call, his kids Nerf gun, a dove stool, and leave my inhibitions at home. Four of us leave flr Publix.
I look like Ive been hunting and get all my gear and start walking in to the store. The other 3 are 10 yards behind me. So i look like in alone.
When the doors whoosh open i swear the entire store looks at me and no one knows what to make of the situation.
I have the duck call in my mouth. Nerf gun slung over right arm dove stool over left shoulder, camo face and a Vietnam floppy camo hat on my head. I walk straight in to middle of produce and set my dove stool beside the corn. Ever one is watching my every move.
I sit down. I start calling ducks. About 15 seconds in i yell MARK and shoot a Nerf towards my imaginary ducks. Missed him. Shoot again. I yell to these guys HEY I GOT A MALLARD! I reach in to my waders and throw a decoy in the middle of the aisle.
My buddies are dying laughing. Falling on the floor.
A mom and toddler come walking by. The kid see the duck and quacks. I yell MARK and shoot the kid. Now the mom sees me and she is laughing her ass off.
About that time my buddy the GM is coming over looking worried about me. He has no idea it is me.
Then as he gets really close he sees my neighbor and buddies laughing. Sees the nerfs and lady laughing. Looks back at me and realizes what is going on. He dies laughing and asks us to leave. Gave the kid the Nerf gun grabbed the stuff and went and finished t the yard work

 

[Quatch$]

Can we just change this to the @Rebarcock thread? The rest of you fucks are just jamming it up with actual takes on the best grocery store.

 

[Rebarcock.]

Can we just change this to the @Rebarcock thread? The rest of you fucks are just jamming it up with actual takes on the best grocery store.

So growing up it was hard for a.
5ft kid to get beer....

Innovation always wins.
Me and the same kid frim the bike story hit the A&P. Mission we need 2 12 packs of budlite to go fishing. I m 14 it is summer.
I have an idea. We grab a case of coke. We grab scotch tape. We grab 2 twelve packs of beer. They had a flower counter w balloons and such that was never used. That would become Camp Switcharoo.
We commence to switching the beer for cokes w surgical precision. Used the tape to seal up the box perfectly and did the same w the coke cans into the beer boxes.
We go so far as to put the bud lite back on the rack. We pay. We got beer to fish.
Get out to the boat (1 HR away) motor wint start. We head back to Columbia.3hrs later we stop at another hooligans house. His parents didnt care what anyone did so we went there to drink and skate his half pipe ramp.
His step dad was a baker, owned tasty bake shop. He was a drunk and weirdo.
Well well as we are walking up he pops the trunk. Just got back from shopping and asks if we could help him carry the stuff in. He grabs the beer we grab the groceries.
We notice. He grabbed the two bud lite cases we snaked the beer from. We go to the ramp and our buddy is behind it burning one we tell him whats up. We are all laughing. At that moment we hear GOD DAMNIT COKE?!
we had to leave w our beer and drink under a bridge.
Baker man took the cokes back and got beer.

 

[Rebarcock.]

So living at the beach i usually went to a foodlion. (2000) I had a 85 pound black and tan named Roscoe who went w me to work or anywhere really. No leash. Coolest dog ever. I had an s10 w a rear slider window. ID keave it open and roscoe would go back to the bed or cab as he wanted. When I shop
I go up and down each aisle. I started on the right in produce and worked my way all the way to the other side milk aisle. I m dirty from steel work. As I m about by the swing door to rear of the store. A couple stocker kids shoot out the swing door.
I hear one kid day to the other there is a dog in the store. I gulp and follow closely. A dog is going up and down the aisles. Made it one aisle over and there is rkscoe. His nose was tracking me. He followed my exact path through the store. I left my full cart where it was and roscoe and I left right then.
Good dog found his dad safely.
He went in a lot of places. After a while he was allowed. But that was the only grocery store he went into

Edit forgot beach stories come later

 

[Lethal34fl2]

How have the naked Nole workout boys been looking?

Spoiler

Cant lie, saw those fuckers working out and made me super jealous.

Gives me morning wood in the afternoon, follow Coach Storms on Twitter, he’s got good vids of our gods.

 

[Rebarcock.]

Gives me morning wood in the afternoon, follow Coach Storms on Twitter, he’s got good vids of our gods.

? Wrong thread dickweed

 

[Lethal34fl2]

? Wrong thread dickweed

He asked a question, I answered, keep up the good work.

 

[ttyh]

Solid fucking thread right here.

 

[Rebarcock.]

General store /bait shop/general store on podunk SC. Going fishing.
We need bait. Crack babies are a thing and crack had hit middle America.
We buy minnows and worms. Snacks and drinks too. My buddy is a yr older than me but a big guy. 6ft2 at 17 prob 185lb. We are in my dads truck. A Grey long Bed 5 speed. My buddy is our HS defensive end. . buddy Wouldnt cuss or drink so we are on good behavior just going fishing walk out the store and my door is open but we can see a guy leaning through the truck going through his back pack. This kid is ultra religious.
He mumbles quietly what the Fu ck?
He bursts in to action. He starts beating the crackie w our bait bucket. Minnows flying everywhere and he is cussing on every swing. Crackie tries to take off. He had my buddys wallet
Whelp my boy didnt know how to fight but he knew how to defensive end. He blew up the crack head like clowney did to the Michigan dude. The crack head slings the wallet
I hobble over and grab it and his money. My buddy kicks the guy in the gut and turns around to leave.
As we get in the truck with no more minnows,cracklie, asks us for a dollar.

 

[Rebarcock.]

So I go in to piggly wiggly or winn Dixie cant remember which. I want a candy bar. Im alone. Jr yr of HS.

As I walk in this girl cashier starts being mean and saying that Im a nasty shit.
Well had never seen her unless it was in summer school my freshman year (failed algebra w a 69.4...round it down
So Im like Fu ck this nappy head chick.

I had just watched caddyshack

I opened a package of toilet paper. I got 2 $100,000 bars and a payday i also found a pen and cardboard.
I chew up the 100k bars and spit them in wads of toilet paper and drop it just out of sight near the meat aisle. I drop the payday on top and wiggle it on to the tp and chewed up chocolate so it looks wet. I write on the cardboard "you should be sweet like chocolate" and lay it 2ft behind the make believe turd and shitty tp.

I stumble to the cashier looking disheveled and say i had an accident by the meats and said im so sorry but i am sick.she starts walking over. Turns the corner and I hear her start gagging. I walk out.

No idea what happened after that

 

[Rebarcock.]

IGA store Bowman SC

Fam used to have hunting/small farm in bowman.
Im 18 but a sophomore in college.
So me and my buddy need some food to cook in the cabin. We always made chili and hot chocolate.
Buy the provisions and leave. No story huh? Wrong.

We get to the cabin. There are pubes or black folk hair all over the meat.disgusting either way. Drive back to IGA ask for manager. A 459lb black lady is managing.
I speak to her and show her the product.
She accuses me of putting them there. No refund. Im livid and yell WHY WOULD I PUT BUTTHOLE HAIRS IN MY OWN GROUND BEEF?
Still refuses refund.
I open the package back up and grab the meat in my hands and sling 1.33lb of BUTTHOLE burger at their front window about 10ft up. It didnt fall down. It stuck.
Felling I had been rewarded w those two window patties I didnt need my $2.60 back anymore

 

[spf84]

I don't shop at any chains but it's always funny to read these theads.

Here in Ohio people would say Kroger

As somebody who lives in Northeast Ohio, the only time I’ve ever been to a Kroger was when I was in college at BG.

 

[Quatch$]

IGA store Bowman SC

Fam used to have hunting/small farm in bowman.
Im 18 but a sophomore in college.
So me and my buddy need some food to cook in the cabin. We always made chili and hot chocolate.
Buy the provisions and leave. No story huh? Wrong.

We get to the cabin. There are pubes or black folk hair all over the meat.disgusting either way. Drive back to IGA ask for manager. A 459lb black lady is managing.
I speak to her and show her the product.
She accuses me of putting them there. No refund. Im livid and yell WHY WOULD I PUT BUTTHOLE HAIRS IN MY OWN GROUND BEEF?
Still refuses refund.
I open the package back up and grab the meat in my hands and sling 1.33lb of BUTTHOLE burger at their front window about 10ft up. It didnt fall down. It stuck.
Felling I had been rewarded w those two window patties I didnt need my $2.60 back anymore

You sir are a master story teller. And don’t believe people when they say booze kills your memory